On Monday morning, I got up all so grumpy and finally, I snapped!
At God!
30 years it was all bubbling up, and it all came out. I was not foul-mouthed at Him, but I did say what has been on my mind for a long time...and it was only yesterday, after I thought 'another lousy day saying something I hope will get me out of here', that I realised what He meant when He said, 'Tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water'... and it had NOTHING to do with my unusual...other things... but just why I do not venture out to do anything.
So, it is best I begin at the beginning, even though it has taken me this long to figure out that I am the only person alive who can say 'we' without being schizophrenic...although the 'other guy' better know that his place is way...beneath me. I hate sharing my personal space. Or having a companion. Which is why, I guess, God gave me no say in the matter, and foisted him on me; one who 'listens' to me [donkeys have long ears, and no one in his or her right mind would bother hobbling one that can carry him freely ... speaking of'carry', I NEED carrying, as i am about to explain] and yet does not listen so good.
So, the whole mystery to everything is explained in this one simple statement;
I 'wish' I had never been born
And 'wish' it is NOT, because I am alive, and every living day I make sure i do something dumb enough to make sure I do not live another day.
Anyone watch the video for Busta Rhymes' 'Dangerous'? Well, when I did watch it, I said to myself...by that time God had made Himself known to me, and had 'uncapped' some of my pent up emotions... I found myself going, yeah, I would love to do that, you know,, grabbing onto a car and letting it drag me with it, kinda thing...only without any protective clothing.
I mean, the best thing I can think of would be to free-fall from a great height and land...plop!, onto something hard.
Which is why the highlight of my day is the walk from Gelncairn to Simonstown...there is a high wall that I daily throw myself off from, and its about, when i am lucky, more than three metres to the sand, and I do not do the rolls and such that experts say you ought to do. I land with my back straight...which should hurt the spine, but doesn't do mine any harm...unfortunately!
*******
But, I am straying; I crave danger, especially hopeless situations, and I have put myself in plenty, where i have said, 'aha, You can not get me out of this one God!', and yet, time and again, He has, and now, I look at Him with a mixture of resentment and affection, because I KNOW that He cares for me... but I still want to die.
So, I grew up knowing I was seriously crazy, and, like all such people, I wanted it all buttoned up, and let no one know about it... but i was not always successful.
Of course, I hate my mother, but since i always assumed that one day the train would stop for me and i would launch myself off of it, I did nothing about that resentment... umm, not REALLY, I guess time and again I snapped at her, and I remember one day I picked up a stone and she dared me to throw it at her; I was maybe 9 or 10, and I did. The funny-eared firstborn of hers was there and they were both taunting me.
Anyway, by the time God happened I found out, ruefully, that my escape route had been shut off, and so, I started boiling. And lost most of my restraint. Gradually. Like a cartoon character that walks off the edge of a cliff, doesnt fall down, as if gravity itself has forgotten about it, and after a time, jumps up and down to test the invisible and impossible THING keeping it from falling down to the ground.
But, come Monday, when i found that another working week was beginning, and here i am, using someone else's library password, and getting illegally onto the trains and living illegally in a land renowned for its intolerance of 'makwiri-kwiri'...and yet unscathed by it all, like I mean what is it going to take to get someone to DO something to me...you bunch of assholes!... well, something snapped in me!
And I said to God, effectively, that I would not listen to Him any more even if He were to show me wonders...or and by the way, when I offered my life to Him, way back in 2000, He first said that, effectively, for me to be His 'best friend' I must give the holy spirit no room to rest, and THEN, when I thought this was weird, I got a shower of shooting stars that criss-crossed each other...in broad, eh, night time. REALLY, but I guess no one believes that anymore than that I tried to kill myself, and should be dead or terminally ill but I am as fit as a fiddle, although fleas do not seem to think much of that, and bite me anyway; I mean, if I am to live without ever facing death, why does the 'Loving Father' allow me to be eaten alive by fleas! I mean, that is a bit inconsistent, hey, but with God, Whom I have tried to stop figuring out; (till the next time) I have no way of second guessing...
I was talking...or is writing...well fuck appropriate register, although I got an 'A' in English at 'O' Level, I have never understood the reasoning behind knowing when to use, 'pronounce' or 'pronunciation', and so, fuck it all, I say!
but, back to Monday!
I said to God that I had had it, that He never listens to me anyway, that I am stuck here and I know that He does not mind what I think about Him [OK, so I did curse Him once or twice... a day, before, till I realised that NOTHING I did ever made Him change His attitude towards me] BUT for crying out loud, if I am to live [He always gets me to that point; I ask Him why He is so impervious to me and He diverts the issue to what it would take for me to have my troubles eased, but as I said, He will not make me isect repellant, and being made a meal of by fleas when I am not even interested in the matter of being in the place I stay in is a bit of a drag, I say!] but PLEASE, I want to see if someone sees the same thing I see, because I am so far gone now that I do not even trust my own eyes, because everything is just too weird to be real, and I do not find God's continued involvement in my life re-assuaring.
So, on Monday, I wrote that post of mine, letting some of my apprehensions out, and as i was going back I met Butt-head's mother...and NO, I have not been snooping around, I ...its God's fault! He knows it is!
Anyway, I put the issue aside coz i was wondering how a woman would feel if I shagged HER, AND her two daughters, and went about trying to kill her son because I am intolerant of even the slightest infringement on my basic rights, and also, how she would feel about seven other women, and possibly, if I read aright, FIVE more over the years, and I thought, this is crap!
Funny, though, no one has tried to arrest me. I almost wish they would. I am way past tolerance.
At God!
30 years it was all bubbling up, and it all came out. I was not foul-mouthed at Him, but I did say what has been on my mind for a long time...and it was only yesterday, after I thought 'another lousy day saying something I hope will get me out of here', that I realised what He meant when He said, 'Tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water'... and it had NOTHING to do with my unusual...other things... but just why I do not venture out to do anything.
So, it is best I begin at the beginning, even though it has taken me this long to figure out that I am the only person alive who can say 'we' without being schizophrenic...although the 'other guy' better know that his place is way...beneath me. I hate sharing my personal space. Or having a companion. Which is why, I guess, God gave me no say in the matter, and foisted him on me; one who 'listens' to me [donkeys have long ears, and no one in his or her right mind would bother hobbling one that can carry him freely ... speaking of'carry', I NEED carrying, as i am about to explain] and yet does not listen so good.
So, the whole mystery to everything is explained in this one simple statement;
I 'wish' I had never been born
And 'wish' it is NOT, because I am alive, and every living day I make sure i do something dumb enough to make sure I do not live another day.
Anyone watch the video for Busta Rhymes' 'Dangerous'? Well, when I did watch it, I said to myself...by that time God had made Himself known to me, and had 'uncapped' some of my pent up emotions... I found myself going, yeah, I would love to do that, you know,, grabbing onto a car and letting it drag me with it, kinda thing...only without any protective clothing.
I mean, the best thing I can think of would be to free-fall from a great height and land...plop!, onto something hard.
Which is why the highlight of my day is the walk from Gelncairn to Simonstown...there is a high wall that I daily throw myself off from, and its about, when i am lucky, more than three metres to the sand, and I do not do the rolls and such that experts say you ought to do. I land with my back straight...which should hurt the spine, but doesn't do mine any harm...unfortunately!
*******
But, I am straying; I crave danger, especially hopeless situations, and I have put myself in plenty, where i have said, 'aha, You can not get me out of this one God!', and yet, time and again, He has, and now, I look at Him with a mixture of resentment and affection, because I KNOW that He cares for me... but I still want to die.
So, I grew up knowing I was seriously crazy, and, like all such people, I wanted it all buttoned up, and let no one know about it... but i was not always successful.
Of course, I hate my mother, but since i always assumed that one day the train would stop for me and i would launch myself off of it, I did nothing about that resentment... umm, not REALLY, I guess time and again I snapped at her, and I remember one day I picked up a stone and she dared me to throw it at her; I was maybe 9 or 10, and I did. The funny-eared firstborn of hers was there and they were both taunting me.
Anyway, by the time God happened I found out, ruefully, that my escape route had been shut off, and so, I started boiling. And lost most of my restraint. Gradually. Like a cartoon character that walks off the edge of a cliff, doesnt fall down, as if gravity itself has forgotten about it, and after a time, jumps up and down to test the invisible and impossible THING keeping it from falling down to the ground.
But, come Monday, when i found that another working week was beginning, and here i am, using someone else's library password, and getting illegally onto the trains and living illegally in a land renowned for its intolerance of 'makwiri-kwiri'...and yet unscathed by it all, like I mean what is it going to take to get someone to DO something to me...you bunch of assholes!... well, something snapped in me!
And I said to God, effectively, that I would not listen to Him any more even if He were to show me wonders...or and by the way, when I offered my life to Him, way back in 2000, He first said that, effectively, for me to be His 'best friend' I must give the holy spirit no room to rest, and THEN, when I thought this was weird, I got a shower of shooting stars that criss-crossed each other...in broad, eh, night time. REALLY, but I guess no one believes that anymore than that I tried to kill myself, and should be dead or terminally ill but I am as fit as a fiddle, although fleas do not seem to think much of that, and bite me anyway; I mean, if I am to live without ever facing death, why does the 'Loving Father' allow me to be eaten alive by fleas! I mean, that is a bit inconsistent, hey, but with God, Whom I have tried to stop figuring out; (till the next time) I have no way of second guessing...
I was talking...or is writing...well fuck appropriate register, although I got an 'A' in English at 'O' Level, I have never understood the reasoning behind knowing when to use, 'pronounce' or 'pronunciation', and so, fuck it all, I say!
but, back to Monday!
I said to God that I had had it, that He never listens to me anyway, that I am stuck here and I know that He does not mind what I think about Him [OK, so I did curse Him once or twice... a day, before, till I realised that NOTHING I did ever made Him change His attitude towards me] BUT for crying out loud, if I am to live [He always gets me to that point; I ask Him why He is so impervious to me and He diverts the issue to what it would take for me to have my troubles eased, but as I said, He will not make me isect repellant, and being made a meal of by fleas when I am not even interested in the matter of being in the place I stay in is a bit of a drag, I say!] but PLEASE, I want to see if someone sees the same thing I see, because I am so far gone now that I do not even trust my own eyes, because everything is just too weird to be real, and I do not find God's continued involvement in my life re-assuaring.
So, on Monday, I wrote that post of mine, letting some of my apprehensions out, and as i was going back I met Butt-head's mother...and NO, I have not been snooping around, I ...its God's fault! He knows it is!
Anyway, I put the issue aside coz i was wondering how a woman would feel if I shagged HER, AND her two daughters, and went about trying to kill her son because I am intolerant of even the slightest infringement on my basic rights, and also, how she would feel about seven other women, and possibly, if I read aright, FIVE more over the years, and I thought, this is crap!
Funny, though, no one has tried to arrest me. I almost wish they would. I am way past tolerance.
