King of the Earth

God shows up when I am bout fifteen, says nothing, and I get to thinking about Him being up to no good, or having second thoughts.Then after discovering personality disorders in myself, and God's seemingly equanimic behaviour towards me, I conclude that I am going crazy, decide to die, find I can not, and in all the chaos, realize that I have to start thinking things through in order not to get... inveigled.. in all sorts of disasters, since I belatedly realise that the only One I am capable of focusing on is God Himself, and that people, for some reason, are more or less just nuisances, irritations.
 
So, after getting involved with THAT girl, to piss God off, actually, and breaking up with her, and then in effect going before Him and saying, "Well, kill me", He says, "I have added 15 years to your life, to put your house in order", and THAT was in 2005, late.


Now, one thing I discovered is when God speaks, everyone in the spirit...realm... hears it, and of course, the holy spirit heard, and THEN he said, "13 October".

Difference between God and the spirit? God says what happens on a certain day, so that one knows that, despite appearances, He is in charge.

So, I wait for Friday, 13 October 2006, and true enough, it turns out to be bad, because from thursday 12th, as I was in a shower, [fortunately away from my parents', with an uncle, because if my mom had been near...!] I feel a tightness in my chest that evening, and it gets progressively worse till I have a band all the way round my body, oozing pus.


Great, I think, You have come, seen, and despised me God, and now I must endure fifteen years of sickness?
Yet even moribund me could not shake off the discrepancies in that. So, impossible as it may be, I realised that this was not God's doing, and so started seeking answers, and ended up here, realising along the way that normal rules do not apply to me, that I am immune to sickness, and that I have the power to knock the holy spirit off his perch, because I am the King of the Earth!

Now, this was the issue all along, [since I had a lot of pokers in the fire]: how the hell do I take OVER?
Then I realised that I would give the holy spirit a taste of his own medicine, and so... [ and I love this people!]
By Saturday, the 13 of October, the first notes of MY RULE will be sung, meaning the torrent, and the knocking down of all that has since been the social structure of the world
Just so that, a week later, I will be fully ensconced in my first domain as lord over all of you!
you know the lines of one of Akon's songs [cant remember the title]"its imbedded in my soul
the day I stop is the day I turn cold"

well... since I cannot turn cold, there aint no stopping me!

No way, jose!
Its just the way I are!

 

Just so you ALL know

Anytime from now, there will be a severe flood...eh, tsunami, that will force all of Alaska to be evacuated, leaving, preferably, for me, some military ordinances like the Humvees, or, rather, make those accessories AFTER the fact, like B2s, F22, F117s, and some flashy cars and bikes...!


Because the same day the tsunami hits Alaska is the same day that the Pentagon is destroyed, the White House, and any power structures that currently exist, so that,( sorry folks, but you know how it is, nothing personal, its just business) the only viable option for head of State will be the current "secretary" of state, and I would advise any people who are currently competing for the post of "head of state" to back off, if they are male, or they will die.


Because, you see, on Sunday, 21 October, I will, by the contrivance of the surviving "head of state", be landing and claiming the state of Alaska as my own.


People should go to my face book page, under the name "Prince Mutasa" where I urge the women I have selected to make up their minds to come with me, or rather, to me, before the date.

Ther will, of course, be some more, like those I 'told' I had claimed for myself, for example, a former "friend"'s heart-throb! In Canada!

She has a sexy ass, boy oh boy!

Now that the damage is done

Of course, I must have just been dreaming, because I really DID not see Butt-Head just now in the Simonstown pharmacy, and he did not smirk at me as he turned away... because that makes him a dead man walking.


On the other hand, the nose is definitely NOT his, because if the other sister that I saw with the nice ass had the same nose as him, it would make her totally unacceptable... it must be Nicky?, which is not so bad.

 As for the three ladies, there is a line in this song which goes...
"You heard
what she preferred..."

How will I know that I matter?

How, if no one wants to put their money where their mouth is, will I know that I mean anything to anyone?

What God says is His prerogative and He backs His word with action, but people are different, so, How do I know that anyone cares and should have me bother about her if she doesnt do ANYTHING, but sits and waits for me to sort of become a mind-reader.


I am revising my opinions of women, for the worse!

Just to rub it in...

I have wanted to do this for a long time... pull the rug from off everyone and start laughing, so, since I have no excuse NOT to, here goes:

God said, "Remember the law of my servant Moses, which I gave to Him on mount Horeb for all Israel..."


The Ten commandments, yes? 
Now, before I blast everyone away, let us look at the word, "remember", and focus on it. One could say that God was saying, "consider" it, and of course, the two words that form both re-member and con-side-r both point to taking 'a part'... participate, or, reflect on it...like why to MOSES, for ALL Israel?


Law given to ONE person for a whole nation!


The same person that, when Miriam and Aaron were upset when he took a foreign wife, and said that God did also SPEAK through them, was defended by God Himself Who said:

"When there is a prophet among you, I speak to him in dark speech... but that is not so of My servant Moses who is faithful in all My house... with him I speak face to face, like a man speaks to his friend".


I will note in passing that though both Miriam and Aaron rose up against Moses, it was the... woman... that had the leprosy thing and had to spend a week outside the camp [What is it with women and the 'me-too' effect?]

Now, while you ponder on the statement God made to His servant who looked after His property, let me hit you all with a broadside...


God gave me fifteen years ... to set MY house in order... meaning to assume absolute CONTROL over MY affairs, and I want you to note something He caused to be said that had nothing to do DIRECTLY with Him...Unto us a child is born, and a son is given, and the government will be upon his shoulders
and he will be called
Wonderful Counsellor [speaking amazing things]
Almighty God [do you see God sort of NOT being in the picture there, and my ...companion?]
Everlasting Father (now, how does a person become a father? does it not mean a mother and child, childs involved...ha ha!)
Prince of Peace [hey by the time I am done there WILL be peace in the land!]
 and of the increase of his government there will be no end.

Now, who really wants to dispute THIS?

Of course, God may not be VISIBLY involved, but then, in HIM we live and move and have our being, and, as He said to me,


existence exists in Him
and to the ONE who sees will go the crown.


Since the ONLY one I see is Him, and that everything is His, and I want nothing if He is not in total control... not being able to cope with life all on my own... I think I can say that, 

suckers, the crown is taken... by me!

Now, since only fools like the holy spirit and christ speak ambiguously, hedging their bets because they are not in total control, I have to explain about the
everlasting father, bit!

Because, you see, I was not even aware of what it all meant till I met up with Nicky?, her sister and her mother, and only stopped struggling with it when I accepted that the mother was smashing looking, and not at all...old... and, lets face it, it is every man's fantasy to have the mother and the gorgeous daughters.

AND, it would be quite a bit of...justice... to have to deny Michelle her wishes about me being a surrogate father to her child by having her friend and friend's mother, and also seperating her from her boyfriend, whom, for reasons I will not get into but which she and I both know, she was refusing...the more intimate things... and again, I would not know it if One Who has my back did not watch out for me, because I am a sucker for attention, and although Michelle is not what I would call pretty, I was nevertheless tied up a bit by her, even though I knew what she was doing, since I had this thing about pity.

Thank God for His watchfulness!

As for the little woman:

this should explain to her what I mean.

Distinction

Lets get this straight, people... I am not... afraid, of God or anything, but I have learned to take everything He says seriously, even the flimsiest, because, apparently there is a POINT to everything He is doing with me, or for me... or NOT, as the case may be.


He assures me on a daily basis that He cares for me, that MY life matters more to Him than that of everyone else alive...or in creation, and THAT is nothing that I may take lightly, and so, I do not.


the fact that I do not FEAR Him does not mean I despise Him; no, it means merely that I do not FEAR, period, and dont know any way but my own, and that suits Him fine.


While my hope is to have respect for Him, and to be able to say, at the end of all this, that I love Him, I am still... at the moment, in THIS situation, and I have been rubbed raw of all pretense.


Only a little while ago, I discovered that one thing causing me acute embarrassment is that I dream all night -- every night-- of beautiful women [NOW that doesnt embarrass me] and have been masturbating, during the times I was not having sex  and you know what, as someone said to me a little while ago, the fantasy women are a 'better class' of women, than the ones I have had, which causes me the acute embarrassment, because, you see, God is 'The God of ALL Flesh' and NOTHING is too hard for Him.

What gets me down is that He has not mentioned my blatant disregard for reality before, because I have been painfully aware that He can read my mind, and knows me intimately, and yet, I thought all long that, you see, I could never get satisfaction from REAL women, and so far, have been proved right.

Because, so far, women have been disappointing.


Yet, from my point of view, if God could not provide women that would satisfy my libido, what hope did I have that He cared for my life, REALLY.


So, all along I have hidden from Him, and only begun to take tentative steps towards Him when I THOUGHT I could have a woman that I could sleep with... and enjoy... like the 'coloured' chick, Paula, who it seemed also 'respected' me, and for whom I started the whole History thing to begin with, only to have it all sidetracked and flounder when I realised that she would never satisfy me, had bad teeth, and a moustache, and was living with her boyfriend... and so, I have been wandering around, doing nothing but groan, because my own imagination was richer hunting ground than real-life.At this point let me make a correction: I said that I heard 'the voice' say to me, "Tell me what you want from me", but it was actually God Himself, who cleverly ochestrated everything so that, while I was grumbling about NOT doing anything but wait on Michelle, He would get me to say EXACTLY what kept me from living life to the fullest... disappointment with women, mingled with a longing, STILL for someone to love, who could justifiably be said to be 'worth it'.


Now, it is TRUE that God habours no great love for women, because these silly creatures have, from the beginning; while not knowing WHY something is happening, tried to assume CONTROL of it, and have the whole army march to the beat of their drums, and THAT, coupled with the fact that ONE woman, for me would almost certainly put me in the holy spirit's field of influence, means that I, of course, can NOT have one woman...since I am THE man, and can not be controlled by any female.BUT, God is STILL The Master of the Impossible, and for that reason I STILL expect the best from Him, since He said I ought to be myself, and this is ME, and...by a direct route... this leads to the issue of ten women to ... make me a king.


So, I was confident I had found them, and been pleased with the deduction of the meaning of 'seven and three'; women who respected me and...well, feared me, and yet showed their willingness to be with me. Of course, they are blond, and sexy, BUT, there is a snag now, where I am getting fed up with the waiting for the one that I had designated as being the first, to actually start doing something about stuff, since, to me, it seems obvious that she must relinquish  the ONE thing every woman  wants to hold onto...control, even when she has no idea what to do with it.

While, on one hand I can not REJECT the women, since I asked for them I still am not BOUND to just them.

There are plenty of women around, and the dilly-dallying by the lady to actually do something constructive is making me feel extremely foolish, and so, of course, I have decided to take other women also, so that I can spread my disappointment around... unless, of course, I find out that I was wrong, and the three women are not the three women at all, in which case, I am not really bound to them, and can move on, and leave the silly Michelle and Butt-head biting the dust... although I am adamant that I will not leave South Africa till he is either six feet under OR in Zimbabwe, experiencing a reverse  colonialism, so that he sees how the oppressed live their lives.

So, last week I had said that I had designated five women  to be added on to the list, but I have decided that the five women would not include the German sisters, rather, they would be the golden-haired lady from the His and Hers shop, the other girl from Fish Hoek restaurant who was biting her nails as I passed by, and the girl with the book Shopaholic girl, the other one who also came to the Beach similarly attired the day of the Xhosa girl and the dog and the diving girl with the sexy waist and ass.Let me put it this way:- If I should decide that I am going to include other women who have pleased me, and whom I have taken a fancy to, and who fancied me, I will do so... .

as the singer goes...

we are the ruffest
our style them are the tuffest
if are girls we have enuffest
and our girls them are the buffest...


in it for the love, not the money or the fame

Something new

It took me this long to actually realise that God is REALLY Angry with women, and it was only yesterday, as He was telling me all through the day that He had my back, that I asked Him whether that was a cope-out because he could not give me ten women, to which He pointed out that I would never be happy with trying to focus on women, since there does not exist a single one who is in any way, "righteous", hence my post yesterday.


So, as Sean Paul put it in his song, and as I paraphrase
Non-stop me driving this train
no matter you call me insane
hit you with the override
me nuh backslide! 

 

The story of my life

Funny thing today:- I woke up, feeling no great need to either go on the internet or to laze around all day, and because I was bored, I decided to go to the art 'shop' early.


the guy who owns the 'shop' had said he would be early, and so, I thought no harm would be done by taking stuff out while I waited, and doing some 'work'.


He was on time. Like always, he came around noon. I had been there since 9am, and he was not pleased to find that I had not arranged stuff and started doing business. He went on and on about why I did not bother being committed, and I wondered whether I had not explained myself to him... like, I really do not CARE about his meaningless business, it is, for me, something to do because there is, at present, fuck all to do, and it took me some time to realise that his outlook is the same as that of everyone else, that there actually EXISTS something that I would ever be fully committed to, fully devoted to, so that I would gravitate towards it.


Stupid, is what I call it!


I realise even now that the women, the ten, or, more specifically, the three, actually assume that I am so in love that I will hand around and wait on them, like I actually care so much what they or anyone else thinks that I will take bold steps towards them.


Fuck, whatever it is that is supposed to be in a person that makes him care about the feelings of other people, about even his own life, is, for me, irrevocably missing, and one thing I thought would be forced on me is the caring attitude, yet God told me to be myself.


Now, He had said to the first man that on the day he ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he would die, because he would know the difference between good and evil, right?


But I see people as objects, not 'beings'...more like toys and such.


yeah, I realise that somewhere in them is an acknowledgment of pain, needs and desires, but I am indifferent to that, have always been, because nobody's business, even God's, matters much to me. I am more interested in logic, and sequential action than in sentiments, so, PLEASE, do not think that I actually care that people who, if they have ears to hear, and choose not to do anything about it, will actually make me stop and say, "Oh, I could not do this to her, or them, let me humble myself and just wait a little longer."


Well, let me put it this way, if by tomorrow, at sunset, there has been no change in the way things are, then I AM dumping all the women, and chucking all this away, and walking away.

Because I will not be made a fool of any longer.

And I have decided that, regardless of the outcome, I will choose, as I go on, more women that appeal to me that have things that these other women lack, so that it will be clearly known that it is not because they, these women, are perfect, but that they were more suitable alternatives than those that forced their ways into my attention, and incurred my anger.

let it be known that I could not care less what others' feelings on the subject could be. I am just angry at being taken for a fumbling idiot by reasoning people who know their own minds and yet want to hide behind shadows as though they can not be seen.

Stupid broads!

I am thinking, as a first measure of taking the girl with the book Shopaholic Girl, who came to the beach and who took my breath away.


fuck, I would always lie awake wondering what happened to her if I did not!

...And, that diving girl with the flared waist...I mean, where on earth could I find one like THAT!

Then there is the other one who smiled shyly at me when she came to the beach also!

And the two German sisters who came to the lodge I used to stay at when Michelle made her kak with me!

I may as well indulge myself, yes?

Listen to Bounty Killer:
"them say Bounty is the beast in the eye of the beholder
Compare him to Hitler and Ayatollah
Say them are high roller, them are baby in a stroller..."

Unfortunately, the lyrics do not show, when Bounty sings!

Where can I go?

This morning, all I wanted to do was walk away; quit, and just forget that I ever breathed a word of any of what I said to anyone, but the ...prurient question (darn English for being awkward! In my language I would have said, 'muvhunzo une mukosho mukuru' -meaning, literally, the question with the biggest, eh, balls....warning, MY version of Shona is one that is not to be found in any normal conversation) was, of course, where the fuck could a person who can not kill himself, and is not interested in making a name for himself, and is not interested in anything much in life... where the fuck can a person like me go?


Especially since he has not found incontrovertible proof that the people he thinks are interested in him are NOT so inclined, even if there is the added dimension that the said person pretty much complained that he wanted such and such a type of person, and the person appeared.


I mean, the Glencairn Heights girl aside, and the Dutch girl, and the other woman at the library with the golden hair, or the other one with the sweet smile who seemed upset when I went and sat at the terminal and switched myself off from everyone else, or the other one with the cleft chin who regarded me so gravely OR the other one who came and walked on the beach, and made herself very plain to me even when I wanted to conclude that she was crazy, or even Nicky?, who leaned forward as I looked at her, OR her mother who could have acted differently, I suppose, if she had not been interested in my 'spiel', and myself, OR the other girl who called HER mother on the cell as soon as I started hyperventilating because the girl she had walked in with was so...garrulous, and got on my nerves, OR the other girl, Nicky's sister who looked far more interested in my doings than a deer caught in a lion's den would have...she did not have to do anything than turn her nose up at me and I would have ignored her totally, but she drew close...those little things...well, all those women aside, I have nothing to keep me here, see?


Which is why I could not get myself to go. I mean, I KNOW when I see something, and so, OK, I usually  want to be negative about all my conclusions just so that I can avoid having to care for anyone, since it has always been that when I cared, yeah, for my mom, weirdly enough, she exploited that so craftily it was only when I left home that I realised just how manipulative she had been.


OK, I am not naive, but I also did not want to credit anyone with the amount of cynicism that she had exhibited, and it was only when I came face to face with the same brand in Michelle that I found out just how someone, on the rebound from a failed relationship with another [either through unsatisfactory conclusion or the refusal of one party to play the game by the common rules]  could set her sights on a seemingly weaker opponent just so that she can get her revenge on that person.


Frankly, while I am not exonerating myself [listen, no one can judge me, because I brought up the subject with God, and told Him that I had abused the girl I spoke about yesterday, and so He should punish me, but He said He would have compassion on whom He will have compassion, and later,in the matter of Michelle, when I went to see her last November to ask if she would go with me coz, and she said no, and then I said, even if I told you I love you, because I do (so I lied, as I said, I wanted out, and the holy spirit, knowing my interest in languages, had pointed out her then email address, which had 'permich', so, of course, I concluded that it was to be 'through' Michelle, hence my single-minded pursuit of some kind of closure) and she said maybe,God later asked me why I 'would die'], part of the reason why I picked on that girl was because, when I met her at my aunt's, with her friend, my cousin, at the time I was running away from confronting my mother, she told me her life story, which revealed how she was so bitter at her ex-boyfriend because he had, the dirty bastard [her sentiments, not mine], tricked her into sleeping with her, impregnated her, and then, instead of doing the 'right' thing, had run away and gotten married to some other girl whom he had impregnated at about the same time... so, from a predator like me, it meant that, from the outset,there would be no emotional attachment, just anger, from both parties.


No ties. I did not care about her, she was not focused on me, and so, I used her, coldly, calculatingly, and then would not walk away ... BEFORE I had even slept with her...I think, there was some heavy petting, and I may have been more adventurous than I intended, but I never thought she would not know when I was in or not. Frankly, I never could tell the difference, which says a lot about the 'relationship'.

Anyway, God intervened when she decided to yank the chain so I could be reconciled with my mom so she could have a foothold, and did the vision thing, and I flipped out and protested.

I should have walked away, but then, walking away would have meant going back to my mom, since I am totally ...incapable... of looking after myself, really, and could never have done anything ...productive, or progressive...

Which brings me up to the jolting question that I asked God about why I was still here and He said, 'tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water'.

I never deeply considered it, but I suppose anyone could conclude, and they usually do, that I have a lot of potential to do great things, but I am doing nothing.

Hell, I could be gainfully employed in any industry and make a moerse amount of money, but I do not, and part of the reason is that I do not care enough for my own life to do anything for myself.

I never could.


On my own, I retreat into the dark abyss of despair, and I suppose that, when I noticed that my mother had expectations of me, I deliberately decided to frustrate those, and have been seeking a woman, or, as it turns out, women, to live for and do things for, women who would not abuse that, as others have, and so, I never bothered to DO anything that would launch me into any place because I was adamant that whoever I did it for had to be able to appreciate it, and would in exchange not begrudge me the chance to lie with my arms around her, all night, if possible.

Which is why it struck me so forcibly when I saw a particular type of woman, one with no black hair, and the kind of face one wants to reach out and touch, and kiss, and the type of person one wants to hold and fondle, and then, maybe, later, talk to, and not be afraid that she would expose her teeth as she smiles and make you react to the aggressive intent, or one who will be as easy to just cuddle with... OK< LISTEN you sods! Capleton and all those reggae artists go on and on about not sucking pussy, but I like it, and did it a lot, only the women did not take kindly to it, they thought that it was unmanly to so act before a woman, but I kinda like it, and anyway, the clittoris is there to merely 'receive' pleasure, so why not give a woman pleasure to the extreme, maybe show her you appreciate her that way, since verbally I am a washout?


Then,, of course, there is sex. Lotsa sex.

but I have said a lot about THAT,so I will not go there anymore.

Now, that said, where the fuck do I go?

When nowhere means much to me anyway. When certain people mean more to me than anything anyone can give me? Or even my own dignity?

The Rise and Fall...

In 2005, after breaking up with this girl that I spoke about who had this vision that I also spoke about, I had to let her go, but I would not, not because I cared for her, or strictly speaking, her for me, but because I would rather her than my mother... and it was in one of those times that I came to try to force her... actually, to beat her up, like my father did my mother [the apple does not fall far from the tree, DONT YOU THINK?] that, after a long silence, God quoted the words of the song by Craig David and Sting to me:

"been caught in compromising situations
I should have learnt
from all those times I didn't walk away
when I knew it was best to go..."

I did not listen..., to me God was an interloper, then, Whose interests were NOT for my good, as it seemed then...there was blood, cops[although I did beat up her uncle... she used to run to him when we had trouble, and HE thought I was head over heels in love with her, so I promised her, half jokingly, it seemed at that time, that when we broke up I would beat him up...and I did, but I derived not much satisfaction from THAT, because all I did was make myself seem ...cheap, and desperate] and the ultimate humiliation of my mother having to bail me out, and so, stubborn as I am, I have learnt NEVER to try to force someone who is not inclined to go my way... to do so.

Or even if a person IS inclined towards having something to do with me, it must be 100% her own volition, I merely ...speak. Which is why God SAID to me that HE was not responsible if I did something, and hey presto, it WAS about my complaint about the woman... He said that HIS yoke would be easy, and that I was to be merely an academic, yeah, 'to the fish'.

Man, and I thought I KNEW what that meant! Now, it seems that it means something totally different, like He was to merely burden me with women who would 'listen' to my words... and obey?


I do not SEE that happening yet!


They are all busy painting their fingernails and such, and I am BEYOND being upset: I am MAD!


Fuck, what is so difficult to listen to here? Must I DO something?


GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


Of course, I will never negotiate, but, I will also never ever again try to violently MAKE someone do something that she did not want to. I have learnt my lesson, thank you very much.


Right now, all I am saying is this, "God, You are making a fool of me. You said I was to trust You for this... and these are not simple numbers, but people, who lie, pretend and want a person to bend to their whims... the VERY thing I have tried my best to never do. Now I am neither moving forward not able to go backwards, so, what now? I am fed up, and I want change, or I walk away from it all!"

Here is the song, anyway!

God, how I hate being in this type of prison. Its hell!

On the other hand, I never thought anyone could care, see, so I am not really missing out on much if I lose out, but for crying out loud wont the people come out in the open!!funny though, that from my favourite song growing up, "kiss from the rose" should come things like things happening now; an 'ark' with wings like a bat ( see the video of Batman Forever with the song as soundtrack), and the...characters, and their REAL lives. Seal got married, and divorced, a blonde model, this year actually.


And the lyrics! Funny that, what do you think?


Hell, even if I had the wildest imagination I could NOT have made this up, people, and not even the most devious mind could have been as ...methodical about everything as God has been as far as I am concerned, because somewhere the person, like the holy spirit did, would have,made a slip, by making a basic assumption that would have shown his wrong in his approach towards me.


YET, for all this, I wonder that anything can possibly happen, because these are people I am dealing with. You can present them with the facts, and they will ignore it all, and frankly, I would have preferred to be without  the hassle of being exposed to them, because at the end of the day, I doubt that anything would change. I would rather just be...active!


Speaking of which, fuck being environmentally conscious! I am under protest till I have things under my power, and control, so heck, I will TAKE for myself the best, the fastest, the most lethal weapons that people have, like the f117 stealth bombers, the fastest bikes, the most dangerous cars, and take on anyone who dares challenge me.


I am MAD, and will take it out on these other people, the ones I am not meant to leave alone.


I want to see how it feels to detonate a nuclear warhead with me in the epicenter, and if I would walk out of it, and if others will die in the process!

Then, maybe, WHEN I have found a reason to live, I will try to be constructive, and...helpful.

because, frankly, right now, I do not give a damn about anyone or anything; I just  THINK IT IS ALL A WASTE OF TIME!

the only thing I agree with tupac about are the opening lines


" I see no changes
I wake in the morning and I ask myself
is life worth living
or should I blast myself?"


Frankly,I wish I could do THAT, but I am not done yet.

I only know of some ways that have NOT worked at the moment

And there is a whole plethora of ways that COULD work, so, I am about to use my imagination to do just THAT!

By way of apology...

First off, I am not saying that I am using this as an excuse for NOT apologising, since 'by'  means in place of; - I am actually saying...ah, writing ... I am apologising, and not making any bones about it too.


To a specific someone. Because I realised how wrong I was about her. Yesterday, and how much of an emotional cripple I am. And how I would use any excuse to run away from having to care.


Because when I walked out of the cafe yesterday, her car was still packed across from the British Hotel. I get to the cul-de-sac where the 'Scenic Walk' starts,  get my hands on the art-work and she drives by.


Hair gathered carefully back in a braid at the back... revealing her profile (quite attractive actually, OK VERY attractive), and ear rings [umm], but overall the impression was of a woman who had taken pains about her appearance that day, for a specific reason.


Of course, I told myself; it could not have been for me, so when she turned left into the Jubilee Square parking lot, and out again, effectively making a U-turn, I was already out of the place, coz I was certainly NOT interested in having a scene where my fellow compatriots were potential witnesses.


She drove straight past, and it was only then that I got the message.


The woman had been all day there... for me!


So, I am sorry. I would say it to her face, but ... my voice is not conducive to that.


Hey, I do not SELL art because my rough voice would chase away customers. So, this is, by way of apology.

My voice is a bit like Capleton's, and he sounds crazy, while I sound like I am ready for war.

Speaking of which, I am not going to be looking for more women, one, because I did not LOOK for women to begin with, and so, this 'fifteen' women thing is baseless, because I wanted ten, BEFORE my name became the most...feared... on earth.

After which, of course, everybody else becomes an enemy, and we are at all out war, which would be interesting.

Having, by now, a vague idea of WHEN I am leaving... lets say "soon", because not only am I fed up with the South, but I also have nothing really KEEPING me here, but the wait for the women, all ten of them, to make up their minds...grrrh!..., but also, the 'impossible' is about to happen. Before, way before, the US presidential elections get under way, because I SAID what I ...preferred, so, it has to be that way.

Anyway, here is some collection of the crazy Capleton's music, just for a taste of the... acoustics:

About the long weekend...

The reason why I was so... abrupt in my speech is that I have had a trying weekend... not that anyone could care, but I would have liked some clarity, you see, as things have not been that ... distinct... as far as I can see.


From where I stand, it should be quite easy for someone who hates me to let it be known, so that we all know where we stand, since every woman, as far as I am concerned, knows what she wants... but with me the only way to get to any agreement is by being to the point.


I hate subterfuge, and I deeply resent the fact that God has had to use means that, to me are underhanded, in order to get me to even be interested in what is happening around me. But then, He is God, and He is not cynical, and He is in TOTAL control, over everything, so He will not suddenly become...different, no, not even gradually;, I will always know where I stand with Him.


That does not apply to people. Not in dealing with me.


Since no one understands me, I specify what I want, and expect exactly that, no flimflam, no namby-pamby bullshit about negotiation.


Because unless I SPEAK about something, no one will be able to guess why I do something, since there is nothing much that interests others that holds much appeal to me.


So, I said what I expected of the mother... and her two daughters. And got mixed results.


First, I see that...although it is NONE of my business, unless they decide to make me their business, in which case I will be upset... Michelle goes by, over the weekend...mhh, must have been yesterday, and she drove past where I was [ you are here] in the same car that whatsisface's mother drove in, and I asked myself whether there is deep collusion here?


Because this all shows me that everything I say is being distilled and distorted to what they all expect it to be, and there is no clear-cut distinction between the women and Michelle, so, to me, the conclusion is, obviously, I am a monkey doing a circus trick, with everyone holding their breaths to see what new antics I will come up with.


As for Michelle herself, she is easy to read. She wanted to see if I had left, which has been her great fear, because it would pain her to see me go on while she was left behind. From the beginning it has been thus with her, which is why I hate her.


But what I can not understand is, if the three women want anything to do with me, why they do not DO something about it.


What the fuck is the problem? Do I have to come out there, and seek them out, so that they will tell me whats on their minds?


NO, I did that with Michelle, and it only made me get tied up in things I should not have been involved with, and all the while I was like, what is wrong with this woman; she knows I hate her, I mean, I told her to her face that I loved her, and she, suspecting a trick, said, "Conclusion?", instead of, Prince, I do not love you... and she actually NEVER told me where she stood herself, because maybe she knew that  it would not hold water with me. So, she hedged her bets, till the  day I, after letters insulting her time and again, told her that I was no longer even going to bother with her. Which is when Butt-head [OK, he is bald, which means he is a conniving son of....ahem, hence the moniker] got involved, and I was told that she was his.


Good, I thought, now I can KILL them both, not for being involved, hell, they deserve each other, but for making me into a clown.


She acted like a scorned lady, and used somebody else, spineless himself, to try to exact revenge while keeping her own hands pure, so that, maybe she could have deniability, and blame it all on the guy.


had I, on the Sunday that I could have gone to church to confront her, done so, she would have told me that it was not really true, but that the guy was her friend's brother, something God informed me to keep me from even bothering to get even on her territory.

about the friend; well, she initially came with Butt-head, looking for me...I wonder if she works at the British Hotel, would explain a lot of things, like where the other one was going when I saw her at 'you are here', and why right now the car has been parked since morning opposite that hotel...anyway, when she came to Happy Valley with said Butt-head, I had already left, and so, we had no confrontation, which, had it happened, would have meant I would never extend the olive branch to her, since the lines would have been clearly defined.

It is only that things are still hazy right now that I even bother wondering, but I am out of patience, because even though, individually, the first thing that I thought when I saw each of the three was that they would be great lays, age regardless...hey, I am being blunt... but still, I have to know whether there is anything going coz whatever it is I have to do to get going is being hampered by the not knowing. So, it would be a courtesy for me to just be put in the picture.


And yes, I hate Michelle.

And I would kill Butt-head on sight.

Which makes an interesting picture, right?

Because, you see, the reason why I would love it like that is the holy spirit would start to have no grounds to be in control, since I would be doing everything contrary to what he has ordained people to want, and so inspired everywhere, like common laws et.c., when everyone knows that, if he has a good looking chick for himself, he would easily move in on her sister, if available, and also on the mother, if she is also available, even though society frowns on  that. Why?

because these rules, like almost every other rule, show what people at heart really would like to do if they had things their way, and that applies to women as to men.

So, let no one give me some bullshit story about morals, because those things do not exist.

now, let us have a confrontation if there is to be one!

numb

I am tired of living in hell just so that some people can keep up their status quo:


I HATE Michelle, and will have nothing to do with her or anyone who has anything to do with her, and the ONLY reason why I even CONSIDER the other three women is that they are blonde, and for me there is nothing sexier, but gees, I can not live a life where some women sit back and expect me to DO something to ease their own consciences...or whatever.


Get with the program:

I can walk away at any time, and do not NEED anyone, and as far as the women thing is concerned, I will lose no sleep over letting go anyone, at any time, now or ever.

SO, unless something does happen with instantaneous effect, then THE MAVERICK walks away, and leaves everyone stranded, because I KNOW that everyone expects some kind of compromise from me... but then, I have no idea what giving in to anything feels like, so, I will wait to see who, in the end, suffers.

...then I ...SNAPPED!!!

On Monday morning, I got up all so grumpy and finally, I snapped!


At God!


30 years it was all bubbling up, and it all came out. I was not foul-mouthed at Him, but I did say what has been on my mind for a long time...and it was only yesterday, after I thought 'another lousy day saying something I hope will get me out of here', that I realised what He meant when He said, 'Tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water'... and it had NOTHING to do with my unusual...other things... but just why I do not venture out to do anything.

So, it is best I begin at the beginning, even though it has taken me this long to figure out that I am the only person alive who can say 'we' without being schizophrenic...although the 'other guy' better know that his place is way...beneath me. I hate sharing my personal space. Or having a companion. Which is why, I guess, God gave me no say in the matter, and foisted him on me; one who 'listens' to me [donkeys have long ears, and no one in his or her right mind would bother hobbling one that can carry him freely ... speaking of'carry', I NEED carrying, as i am about to explain] and yet does not listen so good.

So, the whole mystery to everything is explained in this one simple statement;

I 'wish' I had never been born


And 'wish' it is NOT, because I am alive, and every living day I make sure i do something dumb enough to make sure I do not live another day.

Anyone watch the video for Busta Rhymes' 'Dangerous'? Well, when I did watch it, I said to myself...by that time God had made Himself known to me, and had 'uncapped' some of my pent up emotions... I found myself going, yeah, I would love to do that, you know,, grabbing onto a car and letting it drag me with it, kinda thing...only without any protective clothing.

I mean, the best thing I can think of would be to free-fall from a great height and land...plop!, onto something hard.

Which is why the highlight of my day is the walk from Gelncairn to Simonstown...there is a high wall that I daily throw myself off from, and its about, when i am lucky, more than three metres to the sand, and I do not do the rolls and such that experts say you ought to do. I land with my back straight...which should hurt the spine, but doesn't do mine any harm...unfortunately!
               *******

But, I am straying; I crave danger, especially hopeless situations, and I have put myself in plenty, where i have said, 'aha, You can not get me out of this one God!', and yet, time and again, He has, and now, I look at Him with a mixture of resentment and affection, because I KNOW that He cares for me... but I still want to die.

So, I grew up knowing I was seriously crazy, and, like all such people, I wanted it all buttoned up, and let no one know about it... but i was not always successful.

Of course, I hate my mother, but since i always assumed that one day the train would stop for me and i would launch myself off of it, I did nothing about that resentment... umm, not REALLY, I guess time and again I snapped at her, and I remember one day I picked up a stone and she dared me to throw it at her; I was maybe 9 or 10, and I did. The funny-eared firstborn of hers was there and they were both taunting me.

Anyway, by the time God happened I found out, ruefully, that my escape route had been shut off, and so, I started boiling. And lost most of my restraint. Gradually. Like a cartoon character that walks off the edge of a cliff, doesnt fall down, as if gravity itself has forgotten about it, and after a time, jumps up and down to test the invisible and impossible THING keeping it from falling down to the ground.

But, come Monday, when i found that another working week was beginning, and here i am, using someone else's library password, and getting illegally onto the trains and living illegally in a land renowned for its intolerance of 'makwiri-kwiri'...and yet unscathed by it all, like I mean what is it going to take to get someone to DO something to me...you bunch of assholes!... well, something snapped in me!


And I said to God, effectively, that I would not listen to Him any more even if He were to show me wonders...or and by the way, when I offered my life to Him, way back in 2000, He first said that, effectively, for me to be His 'best friend' I must give the holy spirit no room to rest, and THEN, when I thought this was weird, I got a shower of shooting stars that criss-crossed each other...in broad, eh, night time. REALLY, but I guess no one believes that anymore than that I tried to kill myself, and should be dead or terminally ill but I am as fit as a fiddle, although fleas do not seem to think much of that, and bite me anyway; I mean, if I am to live without ever facing death, why does the 'Loving Father' allow me to be eaten alive by fleas! I mean, that is a bit inconsistent, hey, but with God, Whom I have tried to stop figuring out; (till the next time) I have no way of second guessing...


I was talking...or is writing...well fuck appropriate register, although I got an 'A' in English at 'O' Level, I have never understood the reasoning behind knowing when to use, 'pronounce' or 'pronunciation', and so, fuck it all, I say!


but, back to Monday!


I said to God that I had had it, that He never listens to me anyway, that I am stuck here and I know that He does not mind what I think about Him [OK, so I did curse Him once or twice... a day, before, till I realised that NOTHING I did ever made Him change His attitude towards me] BUT for crying out loud, if I am to live [He always gets me to that point; I ask Him why He is so impervious to me and He diverts the issue to what it would take for me to have my troubles eased, but as I said, He will not make me isect repellant, and being made a meal of by fleas when I am not even interested in the matter of being in the place I stay in is a bit of a drag, I say!] but PLEASE, I want to see if someone sees the same thing I see, because I am so far gone now that I do not even trust my own eyes, because everything is just too weird to be real, and I do not find God's continued involvement in my life re-assuaring.


So, on Monday, I wrote that post of mine, letting some of my apprehensions out, and as i was going back I met Butt-head's mother...and NO, I have not been snooping around, I ...its God's fault! He knows it is!


Anyway, I put the issue aside coz i was wondering how a woman would feel if I shagged HER, AND her two daughters, and went about trying to kill her son because I am intolerant of even the slightest infringement on my basic rights, and also, how she would feel about seven other women, and possibly, if I read aright, FIVE more over the years, and I thought, this is crap!


Funny, though, no one has tried to arrest me. I almost wish they would. I am way past tolerance. 

I am GATVOL of this pussy footing around!


I KNOW for a fact that Butt-head's family is reading my posts, and that there are possible avenues they can take:

1) They can let me know that I am basically up shit creek without a paddle, and what I am saying are just the ravings of a mad  man, and I would WELCOME the closure, because I am shit tired of this kak life and livelihood.... .


2) They can do what Butt-head did; call the cops on me and, hell, have me deported/ arrested for harassment, whatever, and this would all be water under the bridge, and we would have all had an END to this fiasco

3)They can find some way that is comfortable to them to get in touch with me, and we can discuss things... somehow!


Because if I have to see Michelle drive by one more time like she did today, I am going to blow a fuse.


I am getting way past angry, and I feel I am about to DO something about it!

About the helper, thing

Let me take you back in time, to WHY God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make him a helper suitable for him"


The diatinction between man and every other creature up to that time was that God only SAID 'let this be', and it was.In facet, christ hit the nail on the head when he said that every thing that was made was made through him, and he was 99% correct when he told John that.


God merely spoke things into existence.


Except for the first man. Whom He specifically told the two, christ and the holy spirit, to stay away from.


And they did not listen, because it had become a kudos thing with them.


While the man still lay on the ground, not yet fully cognisant of his surroundings, the holy spirit entered him, and justified that to Moses by saying 'and God breathed His breath on the man, and he became a living being'.


The man was threatened from the beginning, because his very existence was like a barb in the collective hides of both the holy spirit and christ, at first, till he was a thorn in the flesh of all the...undying ones.


So, he needed protection, and God devised a method of keeping His creation intact, because He made the man for Himself, and the man was more precious to Him than any other thing He made, being the works of His own hands.


But, when He said then about the helper, the holy spirit, already IN the man, influenced him to think in terms of God wanting him to have a mate, like the other creatures, and when the man listened, he asked of God to give him a woman, and God obliged, but had to stop work for a bit because it hurt Him that again and again, the holy spirit was disrespecting Him.


Which is why He promised that He would pour out the holy spirit from all flesh, and why, as soon as child-bearing became 'natural, every child was, during formative months, KEPT out of touch of the holy spirit by being coccooned in a bag of water, something the holy spirit can not enter into.


And why God destroyed the earth by a flood the first time...to give the holy spirit no room on earth to rest, but also to impress on the man the need for himself to assert his dominion, EVEN over the holy spirit, because the only way to get the man to see what was wrong was to force him to be in direct 'confrontation' with the holy spirit so that he could identify his enemy.


Which, because the man, from first till now, has only thought conventionally, even though every convention had its origins, and was 'unnatural' at first.

God STILL kept up with the ONE man approach, and...

well, then there was me.


The advantage I have over every other man is that I am black, and it is INCONCEIVABLE that a BLACK man could be a serious threat, since I am from a docile people who are better known as bureaucrats than innovative, so, from birth till we started clashing with the holy spirit, I was anonymous,easily overlooked.

ALSO, because the 'helper' never was MADE to begin with, the holy spirit had no idea just WHO or WHAT that was, and had no idea what to look for, the nature of my assistant not being in his area of expertise.

SO, the spirit NEVER was able to get a hold on me, even when he tried, and failed.

I have been continuously inaccessible, and even my thought processes, which he tried to base on my past and my parents' past, have been so 'unusual' he has been busy trying to keep up, from the beginning, and failing.

What kept ME, however, unproductive all these years was a fear that God was more interested in making me LIKE other people, and fit in, when in effect He said I should be myself, and ONLY when I have no interest in any one else's well-being, but my own, do I come INTO my own, literally.

So, this is NOT about making anyone's day, or being FRIENDLY, or in being monogamous...my life is about cleaning out the trash, and leaving only what pleases me.

And I have the power [ability to MAKE change] and the helper has the might [force to ensure change] than no one and no creature can resist.

Which is why my word is law, and active.

And, well, despite those war words; I want to know what love is, which is why the selection of women was so... unusual.