Lets get this straight, people... I am not... afraid, of God or anything, but I have learned to take everything He says seriously, even the flimsiest, because, apparently there is a POINT to everything He is doing with me, or for me... or NOT, as the case may be.
He assures me on a daily basis that He cares for me, that MY life matters more to Him than that of everyone else alive...or in creation, and THAT is nothing that I may take lightly, and so, I do not.
the fact that I do not FEAR Him does not mean I despise Him; no, it means merely that I do not FEAR, period, and dont know any way but my own, and that suits Him fine.
While my hope is to have respect for Him, and to be able to say, at the end of all this, that I love Him, I am still... at the moment, in THIS situation, and I have been rubbed raw of all pretense.
Only a little while ago, I discovered that one thing causing me acute embarrassment is that I dream all night -- every night-- of beautiful women [NOW that doesnt embarrass me] and have been masturbating, during the times I was not having sex and you know what, as someone said to me a little while ago, the fantasy women are a 'better class' of women, than the ones I have had, which causes me the acute embarrassment, because, you see, God is 'The God of ALL Flesh' and NOTHING is too hard for Him.
What gets me down is that He has not mentioned my blatant disregard for reality before, because I have been painfully aware that He can read my mind, and knows me intimately, and yet, I thought all long that, you see, I could never get satisfaction from REAL women, and so far, have been proved right.
Because, so far, women have been disappointing.
Yet, from my point of view, if God could not provide women that would satisfy my libido, what hope did I have that He cared for my life, REALLY.
So, all along I have hidden from Him, and only begun to take tentative steps towards Him when I THOUGHT I could have a woman that I could sleep with... and enjoy... like the 'coloured' chick, Paula, who it seemed also 'respected' me, and for whom I started the whole History thing to begin with, only to have it all sidetracked and flounder when I realised that she would never satisfy me, had bad teeth, and a moustache, and was living with her boyfriend... and so, I have been wandering around, doing nothing but groan, because my own imagination was richer hunting ground than real-life.At this point let me make a correction: I said that I heard 'the voice' say to me, "Tell me what you want from me", but it was actually God Himself, who cleverly ochestrated everything so that, while I was grumbling about NOT doing anything but wait on Michelle, He would get me to say EXACTLY what kept me from living life to the fullest... disappointment with women, mingled with a longing, STILL for someone to love, who could justifiably be said to be 'worth it'.
Now, it is TRUE that God habours no great love for women, because these silly creatures have, from the beginning; while not knowing WHY something is happening, tried to assume CONTROL of it, and have the whole army march to the beat of their drums, and THAT, coupled with the fact that ONE woman, for me would almost certainly put me in the holy spirit's field of influence, means that I, of course, can NOT have one woman...since I am THE man, and can not be controlled by any female.BUT, God is STILL The Master of the Impossible, and for that reason I STILL expect the best from Him, since He said I ought to be myself, and this is ME, and...by a direct route... this leads to the issue of ten women to ... make me a king.
So, I was confident I had found them, and been pleased with the deduction of the meaning of 'seven and three'; women who respected me and...well, feared me, and yet showed their willingness to be with me. Of course, they are blond, and sexy, BUT, there is a snag now, where I am getting fed up with the waiting for the one that I had designated as being the first, to actually start doing something about stuff, since, to me, it seems obvious that she must relinquish the ONE thing every woman wants to hold onto...control, even when she has no idea what to do with it.
While, on one hand I can not REJECT the women, since I asked for them I still am not BOUND to just them.
There are plenty of women around, and the dilly-dallying by the lady to actually do something constructive is making me feel extremely foolish, and so, of course, I have decided to take other women also, so that I can spread my disappointment around... unless, of course, I find out that I was wrong, and the three women are not the three women at all, in which case, I am not really bound to them, and can move on, and leave the silly Michelle and Butt-head biting the dust... although I am adamant that I will not leave South Africa till he is either six feet under OR in Zimbabwe, experiencing a reverse colonialism, so that he sees how the oppressed live their lives.
So, last week I had said that I had designated five women to be added on to the list, but I have decided that the five women would not include the German sisters, rather, they would be the golden-haired lady from the His and Hers shop, the other girl from Fish Hoek restaurant who was biting her nails as I passed by, and the girl with the book Shopaholic girl, the other one who also came to the Beach similarly attired the day of the Xhosa girl and the dog and the diving girl with the sexy waist and ass.Let me put it this way:- If I should decide that I am going to include other women who have pleased me, and whom I have taken a fancy to, and who fancied me, I will do so... .
as the singer goes...
we are the ruffest
our style them are the tuffest
if are girls we have enuffest
and our girls them are the buffest...
in it for the love, not the money or the fame
He assures me on a daily basis that He cares for me, that MY life matters more to Him than that of everyone else alive...or in creation, and THAT is nothing that I may take lightly, and so, I do not.
the fact that I do not FEAR Him does not mean I despise Him; no, it means merely that I do not FEAR, period, and dont know any way but my own, and that suits Him fine.
While my hope is to have respect for Him, and to be able to say, at the end of all this, that I love Him, I am still... at the moment, in THIS situation, and I have been rubbed raw of all pretense.
Only a little while ago, I discovered that one thing causing me acute embarrassment is that I dream all night -- every night-- of beautiful women [NOW that doesnt embarrass me] and have been masturbating, during the times I was not having sex and you know what, as someone said to me a little while ago, the fantasy women are a 'better class' of women, than the ones I have had, which causes me the acute embarrassment, because, you see, God is 'The God of ALL Flesh' and NOTHING is too hard for Him.
What gets me down is that He has not mentioned my blatant disregard for reality before, because I have been painfully aware that He can read my mind, and knows me intimately, and yet, I thought all long that, you see, I could never get satisfaction from REAL women, and so far, have been proved right.
Because, so far, women have been disappointing.
Yet, from my point of view, if God could not provide women that would satisfy my libido, what hope did I have that He cared for my life, REALLY.
So, all along I have hidden from Him, and only begun to take tentative steps towards Him when I THOUGHT I could have a woman that I could sleep with... and enjoy... like the 'coloured' chick, Paula, who it seemed also 'respected' me, and for whom I started the whole History thing to begin with, only to have it all sidetracked and flounder when I realised that she would never satisfy me, had bad teeth, and a moustache, and was living with her boyfriend... and so, I have been wandering around, doing nothing but groan, because my own imagination was richer hunting ground than real-life.At this point let me make a correction: I said that I heard 'the voice' say to me, "Tell me what you want from me", but it was actually God Himself, who cleverly ochestrated everything so that, while I was grumbling about NOT doing anything but wait on Michelle, He would get me to say EXACTLY what kept me from living life to the fullest... disappointment with women, mingled with a longing, STILL for someone to love, who could justifiably be said to be 'worth it'.
Now, it is TRUE that God habours no great love for women, because these silly creatures have, from the beginning; while not knowing WHY something is happening, tried to assume CONTROL of it, and have the whole army march to the beat of their drums, and THAT, coupled with the fact that ONE woman, for me would almost certainly put me in the holy spirit's field of influence, means that I, of course, can NOT have one woman...since I am THE man, and can not be controlled by any female.BUT, God is STILL The Master of the Impossible, and for that reason I STILL expect the best from Him, since He said I ought to be myself, and this is ME, and...by a direct route... this leads to the issue of ten women to ... make me a king.
So, I was confident I had found them, and been pleased with the deduction of the meaning of 'seven and three'; women who respected me and...well, feared me, and yet showed their willingness to be with me. Of course, they are blond, and sexy, BUT, there is a snag now, where I am getting fed up with the waiting for the one that I had designated as being the first, to actually start doing something about stuff, since, to me, it seems obvious that she must relinquish the ONE thing every woman wants to hold onto...control, even when she has no idea what to do with it.
While, on one hand I can not REJECT the women, since I asked for them I still am not BOUND to just them.
There are plenty of women around, and the dilly-dallying by the lady to actually do something constructive is making me feel extremely foolish, and so, of course, I have decided to take other women also, so that I can spread my disappointment around... unless, of course, I find out that I was wrong, and the three women are not the three women at all, in which case, I am not really bound to them, and can move on, and leave the silly Michelle and Butt-head biting the dust... although I am adamant that I will not leave South Africa till he is either six feet under OR in Zimbabwe, experiencing a reverse colonialism, so that he sees how the oppressed live their lives.
So, last week I had said that I had designated five women to be added on to the list, but I have decided that the five women would not include the German sisters, rather, they would be the golden-haired lady from the His and Hers shop, the other girl from Fish Hoek restaurant who was biting her nails as I passed by, and the girl with the book Shopaholic girl, the other one who also came to the Beach similarly attired the day of the Xhosa girl and the dog and the diving girl with the sexy waist and ass.Let me put it this way:- If I should decide that I am going to include other women who have pleased me, and whom I have taken a fancy to, and who fancied me, I will do so... .
we are the ruffest
our style them are the tuffest
if are girls we have enuffest
and our girls them are the buffest...
in it for the love, not the money or the fame
