I was not so sure I wanted things to start rolling, because there was this niggling...something...that made me realise that I have an area still to clear, and the fact that I was STILL hesitant made me to finally look at myself in the mirror, literally.
And what I saw was an emaciated, unprepossessing looking 30yr old male with the left shoulder slightly higher than the other, and the right eye almost drooping shut...symptoms of lifelong depression
And at that instant, I knew that I could NOT bear to remain like this, because I know what I can be if I am not reminded of my past...someone who effects GREAT change, and the last person in my life who stood in the way of that was none other than the p[erson I was finding it difficult to disentangle myself from, purely out of pity...no, IN pity; Michelle.
I weighed her side of it, and wanted to show her to be right, and tried over the whole of the night to find reasons to NOT let her go, and I even went through Scripture, and came up with something that stumped me: God saying to Israel that they should pay the tithe, the WHOLE tithe to Him, and THEN He would open up the floodgates of heaven and shower them with so much blessing they could not contain it.
Now, if the tithe is God's property or portion with HIS people, then He certainly meant that I ought to hold nothing back since I had said I agree that He... own me.This, I discovered, was the meaning of the parable, "Tell them the source of the crowd that does not bear water", and well, Michelle was also a part of that.
I honestly do not want her in my life. I am sorry i dragged her name through the mud, but i can not change that. She would make me miserable because to her I will always be the little person who "seems" to be doing great things, and she will always want attention. I mean, the woman drives all the way to Fish Hoek so she can make her presence known to me, and checks to see if i am still around, then, satisfied that the little roach is still there, drives past.
The least she could do is give me a lift.
No, scratch that. I want nothing to do with her.
All these other women, though, REALLY have impressed me, individually.
Yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised to see the lady with the glasses at the library, and when I got a second look at her, she was quite a looker, and I knew that my fine honed sense of ...eh..conclusion-at-first-glance was still 100% spot on, and i found myself realising that here was a woman that I could say "I love you" to and quite mean it.
The problem, in her view, may be that she would be one among 27, but well, from MY point of view, I would tire too much if i focused on one woman. Not that I intend to have more, but that well, if I had to look at ONLY one woman, then her faults would be glaringly obvious, and I would begint to accentuate them, and anyway, the only one I delight to look at is The Most High...He can have my undivided attention because He knows how to keep it. Women, for me, would be good to have around, but hey, lets face it, I would wear down any since when we are horizontal and super-imposed, she would end up saying, "OK, enough" while I was still in first gear, so, MAINLY for that reason, I had settled on the number I came up with.
So, with the little lady out of the way, one would think there was an opening, but then, it took God going, "Ahem!" on me to see what should have been glaringly obvious from the start.
Last year, see, there was this little 'slip'of a girl, and she came to the library, right, in Simonstown, and she must have gotten work or a trial as assistant librarian, right? So, I was interested in the way she walked, because she used to glide, and I would stop what I was doing to see her, in a DRESS no less, walk majestically from shelf to shelf, as she sorted books.
Of course, I knew she was somehow depressed, because when one puts one's method of walking into an algorithm, then one is saying, "I will do the minimum necessary to be among the living, and hide my head in the sand", and she must have been fresh out of school, because her shouders had that stooped-as-from-carrying-a-backpack slump [also another indication of depression] and the fact that she would stand with one hand clasping the other behind her back...an "apparent" gesture of relaxation...spoke volumes of her stress levels. I knew she would not last.
She surprised me though, because while I was looking at her, and realising that if I steepled my thumbs and forefingers I would entirely encircle her waist, she stood in front of me and spread her arms, silently, in a "What the matter?" gesture, from which I cncluded that she had been in a black-and-white school and was treating me as JUST another person.
I merely returned to my work on, then, "Counting Numbers and The Goldbach Conjecture" and as such, paid her no heed. Till I bumped into her and she gave me a "cool" nod in Fish-Hoek, and I made a note to GREET her first, so as not to further embarrass myself, see?
Than, I used to get on the train with her in Glencairn, and she was a minor highlight in her own way...I mean, before I figured out stuff...then she disappeared, and it therefore came as a surprise to me when I saw her yesterday, filling out, as I was standing on the edge of the platform at the train station, rising on my toes and exercising my calves, and I realised that I really had missed her and I came specifically to the station so I could get her nod. She wrinked her nose at me and as she entered the building, she was hidden from view, and though I waited for her to come out the other side, she was a no show.
Till the train came up and I got in, and she was NOT in it.
Of course, it could NOT be that she was apying attention to my blogs...NOBODY does, but hey, I really like her, and I have decided she would be the replacement for Michelle, not in the sense that...well, you KNOW what I mean, and those women are therefore the final selection.
Of course, they can, once they figure themselves out, contact me on my email, princemutasa@gmail.com, or go to my facebook account...NUH, email me, that is it, and keep it private!
Now, I will turn my attention to the other matter, and make waves, and rock somethings!!!
And what I saw was an emaciated, unprepossessing looking 30yr old male with the left shoulder slightly higher than the other, and the right eye almost drooping shut...symptoms of lifelong depression
And at that instant, I knew that I could NOT bear to remain like this, because I know what I can be if I am not reminded of my past...someone who effects GREAT change, and the last person in my life who stood in the way of that was none other than the p[erson I was finding it difficult to disentangle myself from, purely out of pity...no, IN pity; Michelle.
I weighed her side of it, and wanted to show her to be right, and tried over the whole of the night to find reasons to NOT let her go, and I even went through Scripture, and came up with something that stumped me: God saying to Israel that they should pay the tithe, the WHOLE tithe to Him, and THEN He would open up the floodgates of heaven and shower them with so much blessing they could not contain it.
Now, if the tithe is God's property or portion with HIS people, then He certainly meant that I ought to hold nothing back since I had said I agree that He... own me.This, I discovered, was the meaning of the parable, "Tell them the source of the crowd that does not bear water", and well, Michelle was also a part of that.
I honestly do not want her in my life. I am sorry i dragged her name through the mud, but i can not change that. She would make me miserable because to her I will always be the little person who "seems" to be doing great things, and she will always want attention. I mean, the woman drives all the way to Fish Hoek so she can make her presence known to me, and checks to see if i am still around, then, satisfied that the little roach is still there, drives past.
The least she could do is give me a lift.
No, scratch that. I want nothing to do with her.
All these other women, though, REALLY have impressed me, individually.
Yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised to see the lady with the glasses at the library, and when I got a second look at her, she was quite a looker, and I knew that my fine honed sense of ...eh..conclusion-at-first-glance was still 100% spot on, and i found myself realising that here was a woman that I could say "I love you" to and quite mean it.
The problem, in her view, may be that she would be one among 27, but well, from MY point of view, I would tire too much if i focused on one woman. Not that I intend to have more, but that well, if I had to look at ONLY one woman, then her faults would be glaringly obvious, and I would begint to accentuate them, and anyway, the only one I delight to look at is The Most High...He can have my undivided attention because He knows how to keep it. Women, for me, would be good to have around, but hey, lets face it, I would wear down any since when we are horizontal and super-imposed, she would end up saying, "OK, enough" while I was still in first gear, so, MAINLY for that reason, I had settled on the number I came up with.
So, with the little lady out of the way, one would think there was an opening, but then, it took God going, "Ahem!" on me to see what should have been glaringly obvious from the start.
Last year, see, there was this little 'slip'of a girl, and she came to the library, right, in Simonstown, and she must have gotten work or a trial as assistant librarian, right? So, I was interested in the way she walked, because she used to glide, and I would stop what I was doing to see her, in a DRESS no less, walk majestically from shelf to shelf, as she sorted books.
Of course, I knew she was somehow depressed, because when one puts one's method of walking into an algorithm, then one is saying, "I will do the minimum necessary to be among the living, and hide my head in the sand", and she must have been fresh out of school, because her shouders had that stooped-as-from-carrying-a-backpack slump [also another indication of depression] and the fact that she would stand with one hand clasping the other behind her back...an "apparent" gesture of relaxation...spoke volumes of her stress levels. I knew she would not last.
She surprised me though, because while I was looking at her, and realising that if I steepled my thumbs and forefingers I would entirely encircle her waist, she stood in front of me and spread her arms, silently, in a "What the matter?" gesture, from which I cncluded that she had been in a black-and-white school and was treating me as JUST another person.
I merely returned to my work on, then, "Counting Numbers and The Goldbach Conjecture" and as such, paid her no heed. Till I bumped into her and she gave me a "cool" nod in Fish-Hoek, and I made a note to GREET her first, so as not to further embarrass myself, see?
Than, I used to get on the train with her in Glencairn, and she was a minor highlight in her own way...I mean, before I figured out stuff...then she disappeared, and it therefore came as a surprise to me when I saw her yesterday, filling out, as I was standing on the edge of the platform at the train station, rising on my toes and exercising my calves, and I realised that I really had missed her and I came specifically to the station so I could get her nod. She wrinked her nose at me and as she entered the building, she was hidden from view, and though I waited for her to come out the other side, she was a no show.
Till the train came up and I got in, and she was NOT in it.
Of course, it could NOT be that she was apying attention to my blogs...NOBODY does, but hey, I really like her, and I have decided she would be the replacement for Michelle, not in the sense that...well, you KNOW what I mean, and those women are therefore the final selection.
Of course, they can, once they figure themselves out, contact me on my email, princemutasa@gmail.com, or go to my facebook account...NUH, email me, that is it, and keep it private!
Now, I will turn my attention to the other matter, and make waves, and rock somethings!!!
