And here I was, wondering why, if God is for me, and with me, I am not actually making waves and heading for some remote island somewhere where I will spend my last nine years, proving to everyone that God is really... well, God, and that to Him alone should all the glory be.
Since, of course, that is all I surmised He wanted from me from the first time we...We?...wE?...met.
Because, I knew, He would find me a sitable wife and I would have to look after her and then work my sorry butt out and then die...because the moment I settled down, I knew, would be the moment I began to die, since the bondage of marriage would kill all my interest in life.
I lay awake most nights, wondering what I would do with a wife, and the long periods of aimlessness between bouts of sex that would get more sporadic as the woman's controlling looks ate up my resistance, and I would end up being nothing but a hollow shell.
Till this morning, I was unsure what to do, because 'being myself' seemed such an impossible task, and I was certain it would all come back to hound me, because sooner or later everyone has to settle down, and I knew the moment I did so, I would be dead meat.
Then somebody gave me, this morning, the book by John Grisham: 'The Testament", and I saw myself in the billionaire who decided he would leave nothing to his family because he owed them nothing.
I also saw myself in the lonely suicide.
And, finally, I saw what God had meant from the beginning.
I do not HAVE to change, because there actually exist people who have as much trouble adapting to life and its strangeness as I do, people who would and actually, have, already sought shelter under my wing, but I was too wrapped up in 'reality' to see it.
They make jokes about these people, about how they are unable to cope with life, and how they are 'stupid', but I have found them quite refreshingly candid, and, from my point of view, not only 'obviously' appealing to someone with as shallow a hold on life as I have, but also unexpectedly vulnerable, simply because the very thing that attracts me is the very thing that repels everyone else.
Now, I am not much into sympathy, and well, I have been agonising these past few weeks over the fact that the one blonde woman that looked solemnly into my eyes had... an angry baby face... and I was wondering how long MY pity would take to turn to revulsion, because she would want my sympathy, and be somebody who would drag me down, and I was worrying incessantly over this, since I had asked for ten women, in fact, so that I would not have to settle down.
Then I remembered why I had 'called' her. The day before, I had strolled into the area where I suspect that Michelle's friend spends her days, and, that being a Friday, I suspect that her brother thought I was up to no good, so he drove down [he has a mother-myopia-complex: he actaully can not seem to get it into his head that I can and probably will kill him if he strays into my path; all he sees is a black man, to be summarily treated as trash by reminding him of who is boss by virtue of skin colour. I could have him for breakfast, and kill him...literally, without breaking into a sweat]...in an Opel Corsa, and when he got near the train station, where I was, he hooted sharply, and made a U-turn, and as I stopped and wanted to confront him, this startling passenger just leaned forward, and she totally obscured all my view of the driver, because she had startling white hair and a face to match, and well, I was 'interested' from the word go.
The next day I wrote that, if Michelle's friend was the one I saw, then I would not mind having her with me...but then I was later struggling with myself...after all, she was involved in my humiliation...or was she? I decided NOT to try to find out and just went: I want a girl with Michelle's size and her friend's hair...NOW. And the scared little woman came, and now, I have seen terror before, but the woman was beyond that, and I felt quite cruel, and all I wanted to do was tell her to relax and go on her way, but I was so...uncertain, about what I wanted and what God wanted, I just hopped from one foot to the other.
So, I looked to God, and to my own heart, and I realised one truthful thing: God knew exactly what I was up to, from the beginning, and how I was 100% certain that He could not sustain me, and yet He had confidently said I was to be myself, and so, well, I ended up saying...Father, I want her for the tenth woman, not the small woman by the beach, but Michelle's friend.
I would be happy to protect her and keep her, as well as the other nine, and give the rest a finger and walk away without giving them a single cent, and make sure I blasted every single cent of the US$2.5bn I intend to make... and please, let these be the ONLY women I have because otherwise I would need a secretary just to keep track of them.
So, there it is, and now, I can relax, and call women who are not terrified of me, but would be quite relaxed in my company and live their lives without trying to drag me down, like the other deeply-rooted-in-convention women would.
Now, I 'call out' to the ten... and as for the girl's brother, I guess he really better start running all the way to Zimbabwe, because I may NOT have much regard for my life, but I have a long memory, and one of these days I may just decide to do something to him, if he stays around.
Remember, I have the full right to exist as I please, and so, if I do decide to kill the guy, guess what, there is nothing anyone can do about it, because I have BACKUP such as no other in all of existence has, and what I want is what happens.
If I am unhappy in even the least thing, then the whole machimery grinds to a halt, till the issue is resolved.
That, people, is
The source of the cloud that does not bear water.
If something isn't right, no matter how small, then nothing gets done till its resolved, because God is only glorified if I am 100% happy, and there is no compromise...at all.
Since, of course, that is all I surmised He wanted from me from the first time we...We?...wE?...met.
Because, I knew, He would find me a sitable wife and I would have to look after her and then work my sorry butt out and then die...because the moment I settled down, I knew, would be the moment I began to die, since the bondage of marriage would kill all my interest in life.
I lay awake most nights, wondering what I would do with a wife, and the long periods of aimlessness between bouts of sex that would get more sporadic as the woman's controlling looks ate up my resistance, and I would end up being nothing but a hollow shell.
Till this morning, I was unsure what to do, because 'being myself' seemed such an impossible task, and I was certain it would all come back to hound me, because sooner or later everyone has to settle down, and I knew the moment I did so, I would be dead meat.
Then somebody gave me, this morning, the book by John Grisham: 'The Testament", and I saw myself in the billionaire who decided he would leave nothing to his family because he owed them nothing.
I also saw myself in the lonely suicide.
And, finally, I saw what God had meant from the beginning.
I do not HAVE to change, because there actually exist people who have as much trouble adapting to life and its strangeness as I do, people who would and actually, have, already sought shelter under my wing, but I was too wrapped up in 'reality' to see it.
They make jokes about these people, about how they are unable to cope with life, and how they are 'stupid', but I have found them quite refreshingly candid, and, from my point of view, not only 'obviously' appealing to someone with as shallow a hold on life as I have, but also unexpectedly vulnerable, simply because the very thing that attracts me is the very thing that repels everyone else.
Now, I am not much into sympathy, and well, I have been agonising these past few weeks over the fact that the one blonde woman that looked solemnly into my eyes had... an angry baby face... and I was wondering how long MY pity would take to turn to revulsion, because she would want my sympathy, and be somebody who would drag me down, and I was worrying incessantly over this, since I had asked for ten women, in fact, so that I would not have to settle down.
Then I remembered why I had 'called' her. The day before, I had strolled into the area where I suspect that Michelle's friend spends her days, and, that being a Friday, I suspect that her brother thought I was up to no good, so he drove down [he has a mother-myopia-complex: he actaully can not seem to get it into his head that I can and probably will kill him if he strays into my path; all he sees is a black man, to be summarily treated as trash by reminding him of who is boss by virtue of skin colour. I could have him for breakfast, and kill him...literally, without breaking into a sweat]...in an Opel Corsa, and when he got near the train station, where I was, he hooted sharply, and made a U-turn, and as I stopped and wanted to confront him, this startling passenger just leaned forward, and she totally obscured all my view of the driver, because she had startling white hair and a face to match, and well, I was 'interested' from the word go.
The next day I wrote that, if Michelle's friend was the one I saw, then I would not mind having her with me...but then I was later struggling with myself...after all, she was involved in my humiliation...or was she? I decided NOT to try to find out and just went: I want a girl with Michelle's size and her friend's hair...NOW. And the scared little woman came, and now, I have seen terror before, but the woman was beyond that, and I felt quite cruel, and all I wanted to do was tell her to relax and go on her way, but I was so...uncertain, about what I wanted and what God wanted, I just hopped from one foot to the other.
So, I looked to God, and to my own heart, and I realised one truthful thing: God knew exactly what I was up to, from the beginning, and how I was 100% certain that He could not sustain me, and yet He had confidently said I was to be myself, and so, well, I ended up saying...Father, I want her for the tenth woman, not the small woman by the beach, but Michelle's friend.
I would be happy to protect her and keep her, as well as the other nine, and give the rest a finger and walk away without giving them a single cent, and make sure I blasted every single cent of the US$2.5bn I intend to make... and please, let these be the ONLY women I have because otherwise I would need a secretary just to keep track of them.
So, there it is, and now, I can relax, and call women who are not terrified of me, but would be quite relaxed in my company and live their lives without trying to drag me down, like the other deeply-rooted-in-convention women would.
Now, I 'call out' to the ten... and as for the girl's brother, I guess he really better start running all the way to Zimbabwe, because I may NOT have much regard for my life, but I have a long memory, and one of these days I may just decide to do something to him, if he stays around.
Remember, I have the full right to exist as I please, and so, if I do decide to kill the guy, guess what, there is nothing anyone can do about it, because I have BACKUP such as no other in all of existence has, and what I want is what happens.
If I am unhappy in even the least thing, then the whole machimery grinds to a halt, till the issue is resolved.
That, people, is
The source of the cloud that does not bear water.
If something isn't right, no matter how small, then nothing gets done till its resolved, because God is only glorified if I am 100% happy, and there is no compromise...at all.
