I was not going to come Saturday to the library, I was going to spend the whole day in bed, and put my feet up and just ignore everything, and maybe, just maybe, think about either getting back home or making this about the money
...because at the back of my mind is the still unresolved issue that my mother is by far the clearer of sight of all people: I am not supposed to be alive.
I tend to agree with her, because nothing I have seen so far in life impresses me, nor makes me want to even bother.
Just Friday,I was on and on about the commandments that God gave, how one was not supposed to kill, and stuff, but I have had second thoughts, that God Himself said those things prior to giving up on the children of Israel, as 'preparatory', in fact to that, and in that case, He was 'looking' for a reason to keep in touch with a people He had rejected, [because they had rejected Him generation after generation], but still, He could not just walk away.
My take on the whole business is, if I can not naturally DO as God says, without being told, then it is impossible for me to listen even if He should shout it out loud with a megaphone. Next to my ear.
Which is why I get upset when it appears He is giving me 'instructions'. Because my understanding of Him is, if I have to 'be myself', as He stressed time and again, then that means I am not corrected. That means He especially does not come and start giving me 'how to's ' and 'what nots', since I already have NO regard for this life I live anyway.
It took a bribe of beer... some guys came and we drank Friday... and a recollection of the first time I complained to God, that He had fostered some ugly girl on me, for me to start coming back and deferring giving up.
because that was the time He said,
"My yoke is easy, and My burden is light...
and my yoke is as academic to the fish"
So, I understood that he was not out to make me do something, especially when it turned out that He included Isaiah 6[1-13] in the 'correction'where this king was ostracised for trying to be a priest and thus offering 'unholy' sacrifice...and later died.
Also, the curious thing is that, as Isaiah saw the vision, there were two Seraphim flying above The Lord of the earth, and these had their faces covered, so, they chose NOT to see the Lord, even though they heard.
So, when Isaiah both saw and heard, he reacted naturally, and said he was undone, and was a man of unclean lips, and yet, one of the seraphim, who, though choosing not to see, had said the earth is full of His glory, and that He is holy, heard Isaiah say that he was undone, straightaway put a coal on his lips and said , basically, it did not matter, a superficial 'burning' would turn things around, and God would not mind.
No wonder God said, "Go, say to this people, seeing you will see, and not perceive, hearing you will hear, and not understand. Make the heart of this people dull...lest they turn to Me and be saved"
Meaning God Himself had rejected the people, because naturally, they did not use their senses, and tried to pay but 'lip service' to Him...and now, WHO fits the bill of the two seraphim, but Christ and The Holy Spirit?
So, it turns out I do NOT have to be one of those God followers, but rather just exist as I see fit and call it as I see it.
Because I naturally SEE God as the owner of everything, and do not need to pay 'homage' to Him as others do. I mean, He literally said that He would not hold anyone LESS guilty if he did not keep the Sabbath, meaning that He was as He later said, giving them laws they could not live by, because they overlooked THE Beginning of all things, and tried to build, on sand, so to speak, as they built their lives... away from God!.
Now, in the curious way of the 'talk' between God and myself, it turns out that I 'asked' for ten women, or rather God said that I would be 'satisfied' if I had ten women [and I was trying to run away from the 'light' yoke analogy by not taking it to mean hair colour], but I ended up, Friday, not really fighting it anymore, because the only way I can keep my 'focus' on God is if I am as unstintingly honest with myself as I can be.
And it begins with me, indeed, in that I am UNIQUE, as being the ONLY person alive who, when his mother rejected him, also rejected her and everything to do with the things she considers important.But did nothing about it!
And I will further say this, I know that, when I chose to let go any pretence about appearance, I became an ugly person. I was not bad-looking as a kid, but as time went on, I let my face fall forward,[because I would always sit with my head on my chest, nose buried in a book] and the developing bone hardened with a sort of split type of face, one which literally has to break up for me to smile. And talk about the side view! Pure Neanderthal.
Which is why God says, the first one to UNCOVER his mother's nakedness [open the womb] belongs to ME
You see, the way I see people is thusly: they actually may not choose their gender at conception, or their colour, but they actually do choose their character, and for me the best tell-tale sign of a person's nature is the physiognomy [face structure] and the physical structure.
I remember the creator of Peter Pan being said to have stopped growing up when his mother died, because apparently he could not get over it. He remained physically like a boy...and we all know about Neverland, right?
Anyway, I was so certain of two things...
1)That truly beautiful women did not exist, and I mean coherent, totally, 'aware of the hardship of this world' beauty, not just the superficial type.There are two types of women, as far as I am concerned, the ones that make me feel revulsion on sight, like the ones who want pity because 'life is not fair', and these, once you act on the subliminal message they send out, will seize upon you like a black widow spider, during mating, upon its mate and devours it.
Then there are the other women, the ones who blend attractiveness with vulnerability and and speak both to the senses and to the libido, I mean total flush, like, they leave nothing out. You 'see' them, and also you are aware that they are NOT sending out a 'feel pity for me' message.These are almost always blonde.
These are quite formidable to ...well, all other men... as I have found.
I did nothing about those I 'saw' because:
2)getting them would necessitate lying.They say it is a fact of life, that one has to 'court' a woman, and she has to then 'decide' whether she wants you or not, as if anyone EVER gives a woman a choice! especially if she is beautiful.
I will illustrate my point by showing what happened this past Women's day, right in front of my eyes.
I saw this team of divers coming out of the waters, at the beach, and wmong them were some blonde chicks. Now this other guy told this chick to step on one end of his shoe thing so that he could tug it off, though why he did not just sit down and take it off was beyond me.She did and as he tried to pull it off, the guy reached forward, and put his hand on her towelled ass for 'support'. She shrieked, and when he said, 'innocently', "what?", she was confused, apparently, and then ended up saying, "Well, as long as you do not take me with you if you fall".
I thought, why did he not just say he wanted to fill her ass? Then I realised one can not SAY it, because that is what body language is for.
The reason why I would NOT speak is that I have been given a "Voice" that sort of just cuts to the chase and lets a woman know whether I am interested or not. Then it becomes up to her to do something about it, since if I have to take matters into my own hands, I usually take a pound of flesh with it
So, after thinking about it all weekend, I have decided to just look at things from my own fully appreciative view, and, maybe without having to 'explain' WHY, I will just call the women as I saw and liked them.
1) The Dutch girl. NO question about it!
2) The taller Castle girl. It was something she did when she first saw me,[like a little jump thingy, like a cheerleader type of thing] and BEFORE she even knew whether I was buying beer or wine, just as I walked in the inn.
3)Michelle's friend. The way she leaned forward on sight! I can forgive anyone anything if I see her face, and see that maybe what she thought and what she had now SEEN were two different things, because nothing beats eyeball contact.
4)The girl with the Take-Me-To-Bed stare when she first saw me, and THEN spreading her hands as if to say, both I do not bite, and I am still dressed...do not judge me by external appearance.
5)The girl with the red-lipstick, who, when I waited for her to pass, seemed to be saying, do not toy with me. as her eyes searched mine for any hint of subterfuge. Talk about unhappy. She was it!
6)The girl with the kimono, who surprised me by her fierce 'possessiveness' as soon as she saw me, as if she would NOT stand to see me play with her heart! And I had no such intention!
7) The girl who smiled at me, as she passed above me, and turned to see if I was really interested in her or was joking. Well, I liked the woman!
8) here I was really just arrogant. I saw this chick being drooled over by the fat driving instructor, and decided to take her for myself, because this guy was up to no good!
9) Ditto the one I saw sitting at the Fish-Hoek restaurant. I said, God, This one!
10) The diving girl.
Case closed.
NOW, I wait for both God and the women to sort themselves out and come to ME.
So I can have people to do THINGS for, to make their lives better, and show that they can have a life worth living, since to me, nothing really matters!
So, now, I summon THEM to me!
...because at the back of my mind is the still unresolved issue that my mother is by far the clearer of sight of all people: I am not supposed to be alive.
I tend to agree with her, because nothing I have seen so far in life impresses me, nor makes me want to even bother.
Just Friday,I was on and on about the commandments that God gave, how one was not supposed to kill, and stuff, but I have had second thoughts, that God Himself said those things prior to giving up on the children of Israel, as 'preparatory', in fact to that, and in that case, He was 'looking' for a reason to keep in touch with a people He had rejected, [because they had rejected Him generation after generation], but still, He could not just walk away.
My take on the whole business is, if I can not naturally DO as God says, without being told, then it is impossible for me to listen even if He should shout it out loud with a megaphone. Next to my ear.
Which is why I get upset when it appears He is giving me 'instructions'. Because my understanding of Him is, if I have to 'be myself', as He stressed time and again, then that means I am not corrected. That means He especially does not come and start giving me 'how to's ' and 'what nots', since I already have NO regard for this life I live anyway.
It took a bribe of beer... some guys came and we drank Friday... and a recollection of the first time I complained to God, that He had fostered some ugly girl on me, for me to start coming back and deferring giving up.
because that was the time He said,
"My yoke is easy, and My burden is light...
and my yoke is as academic to the fish"
So, I understood that he was not out to make me do something, especially when it turned out that He included Isaiah 6[1-13] in the 'correction'where this king was ostracised for trying to be a priest and thus offering 'unholy' sacrifice...and later died.
Also, the curious thing is that, as Isaiah saw the vision, there were two Seraphim flying above The Lord of the earth, and these had their faces covered, so, they chose NOT to see the Lord, even though they heard.
So, when Isaiah both saw and heard, he reacted naturally, and said he was undone, and was a man of unclean lips, and yet, one of the seraphim, who, though choosing not to see, had said the earth is full of His glory, and that He is holy, heard Isaiah say that he was undone, straightaway put a coal on his lips and said , basically, it did not matter, a superficial 'burning' would turn things around, and God would not mind.
No wonder God said, "Go, say to this people, seeing you will see, and not perceive, hearing you will hear, and not understand. Make the heart of this people dull...lest they turn to Me and be saved"
Meaning God Himself had rejected the people, because naturally, they did not use their senses, and tried to pay but 'lip service' to Him...and now, WHO fits the bill of the two seraphim, but Christ and The Holy Spirit?
So, it turns out I do NOT have to be one of those God followers, but rather just exist as I see fit and call it as I see it.
Because I naturally SEE God as the owner of everything, and do not need to pay 'homage' to Him as others do. I mean, He literally said that He would not hold anyone LESS guilty if he did not keep the Sabbath, meaning that He was as He later said, giving them laws they could not live by, because they overlooked THE Beginning of all things, and tried to build, on sand, so to speak, as they built their lives... away from God!.
Now, in the curious way of the 'talk' between God and myself, it turns out that I 'asked' for ten women, or rather God said that I would be 'satisfied' if I had ten women [and I was trying to run away from the 'light' yoke analogy by not taking it to mean hair colour], but I ended up, Friday, not really fighting it anymore, because the only way I can keep my 'focus' on God is if I am as unstintingly honest with myself as I can be.
And it begins with me, indeed, in that I am UNIQUE, as being the ONLY person alive who, when his mother rejected him, also rejected her and everything to do with the things she considers important.But did nothing about it!
And I will further say this, I know that, when I chose to let go any pretence about appearance, I became an ugly person. I was not bad-looking as a kid, but as time went on, I let my face fall forward,[because I would always sit with my head on my chest, nose buried in a book] and the developing bone hardened with a sort of split type of face, one which literally has to break up for me to smile. And talk about the side view! Pure Neanderthal.
Which is why God says, the first one to UNCOVER his mother's nakedness [open the womb] belongs to ME
You see, the way I see people is thusly: they actually may not choose their gender at conception, or their colour, but they actually do choose their character, and for me the best tell-tale sign of a person's nature is the physiognomy [face structure] and the physical structure.
I remember the creator of Peter Pan being said to have stopped growing up when his mother died, because apparently he could not get over it. He remained physically like a boy...and we all know about Neverland, right?
Anyway, I was so certain of two things...
1)That truly beautiful women did not exist, and I mean coherent, totally, 'aware of the hardship of this world' beauty, not just the superficial type.There are two types of women, as far as I am concerned, the ones that make me feel revulsion on sight, like the ones who want pity because 'life is not fair', and these, once you act on the subliminal message they send out, will seize upon you like a black widow spider, during mating, upon its mate and devours it.
Then there are the other women, the ones who blend attractiveness with vulnerability and and speak both to the senses and to the libido, I mean total flush, like, they leave nothing out. You 'see' them, and also you are aware that they are NOT sending out a 'feel pity for me' message.These are almost always blonde.
These are quite formidable to ...well, all other men... as I have found.
I did nothing about those I 'saw' because:
2)getting them would necessitate lying.They say it is a fact of life, that one has to 'court' a woman, and she has to then 'decide' whether she wants you or not, as if anyone EVER gives a woman a choice! especially if she is beautiful.
I will illustrate my point by showing what happened this past Women's day, right in front of my eyes.
I saw this team of divers coming out of the waters, at the beach, and wmong them were some blonde chicks. Now this other guy told this chick to step on one end of his shoe thing so that he could tug it off, though why he did not just sit down and take it off was beyond me.She did and as he tried to pull it off, the guy reached forward, and put his hand on her towelled ass for 'support'. She shrieked, and when he said, 'innocently', "what?", she was confused, apparently, and then ended up saying, "Well, as long as you do not take me with you if you fall".
I thought, why did he not just say he wanted to fill her ass? Then I realised one can not SAY it, because that is what body language is for.
The reason why I would NOT speak is that I have been given a "Voice" that sort of just cuts to the chase and lets a woman know whether I am interested or not. Then it becomes up to her to do something about it, since if I have to take matters into my own hands, I usually take a pound of flesh with it
So, after thinking about it all weekend, I have decided to just look at things from my own fully appreciative view, and, maybe without having to 'explain' WHY, I will just call the women as I saw and liked them.
1) The Dutch girl. NO question about it!
2) The taller Castle girl. It was something she did when she first saw me,[like a little jump thingy, like a cheerleader type of thing] and BEFORE she even knew whether I was buying beer or wine, just as I walked in the inn.
3)Michelle's friend. The way she leaned forward on sight! I can forgive anyone anything if I see her face, and see that maybe what she thought and what she had now SEEN were two different things, because nothing beats eyeball contact.
4)The girl with the Take-Me-To-Bed stare when she first saw me, and THEN spreading her hands as if to say, both I do not bite, and I am still dressed...do not judge me by external appearance.
5)The girl with the red-lipstick, who, when I waited for her to pass, seemed to be saying, do not toy with me. as her eyes searched mine for any hint of subterfuge. Talk about unhappy. She was it!
6)The girl with the kimono, who surprised me by her fierce 'possessiveness' as soon as she saw me, as if she would NOT stand to see me play with her heart! And I had no such intention!
7) The girl who smiled at me, as she passed above me, and turned to see if I was really interested in her or was joking. Well, I liked the woman!
8) here I was really just arrogant. I saw this chick being drooled over by the fat driving instructor, and decided to take her for myself, because this guy was up to no good!
9) Ditto the one I saw sitting at the Fish-Hoek restaurant. I said, God, This one!
10) The diving girl.
Case closed.
NOW, I wait for both God and the women to sort themselves out and come to ME.
So I can have people to do THINGS for, to make their lives better, and show that they can have a life worth living, since to me, nothing really matters!
So, now, I summon THEM to me!
