This may shock some, and hurt others a lot, but the thing is, I had absolutely NO idea that the reason why I was singled out was not as highbrowed as I thought...
I am also sobered by the leeway I have to do just about whatever I want, just simply so that I do not go back home... to my mother and father.
So, there I was, with a weekend to kill and nothing much to do with it, and I got to contemplating...never a good idea with me, and this time it was the worst ever, because I was wondering about God, and why "me", because every answer i thought i had found led to more and more questions...hell, even my being on a blogspot is all a question of trying to find out the reason why God was interested, and IS interested, in me...
The reason i actually decided to experiment with all this is that i had, late 2010, clear as day, a statement before me,
September 18: Independence Day
and that was around November, and so i knew that whatever it was would have to take place the following year, and while i was unhappy that it would take so long to be realised, i was sanguine enough to acknowledge that maybe the delay was because i am, as a rule, immune to advice or counsel from anyone.The only One i ever listen to is God, because frankly, He is the only one I trust and He has all the answers AND does not intend me any harm. Nor does He have vested interests that would result in my humiliation.
So, early 2011, i tried my best to pre-empt/ anticipate Him. Since, when i had formerly washed my hands of The Goldbach Conjecture, and said it was too late, He had emphatically stated, "It is NEVER too late"; i hazarded a guess that the 'independence' may have something to do with finances, and so, i picked up the Conjecture where i had left it off and tried to get it published...which led to the blogspot, Obama, and ultimately, the US$500m threshold.
i was, however, only secondarily interested in the practical aspect of my life, i wanted the God-side sorted first, because everything else would follow if everuything was right with Him, and this, therefore, explains my continuous about-turns.
Then i met michelle, and while i liked her, i felt for her what i had never felt for any other person before...empathy... and i tried my best to keep her at arm's length; at first i thought because of The Holy Spirit, but now, i realise, because of the darkness within me...because on the 18th of September, she took me out, and as much as admitted she loved me.
i had her in the palm of my hand, and if it had been anyone else, i will be honest, i would have spoken words of love to her and gotten her to eat out of my hand, but because, honestly, i CARE about her, i decided to back off...and i was wondering just WHY i did not make a move on her,though i kept telling myself, till yesterday, that she did not deserve having me inflicted on her.
Because, you see, i have uncovered just why God says that He would give me just about everything i may demand, and point my finger at, just to KEEP me from going home , to, see my mom and dad:
I would be quite happy to kill them both with my bare hands. On sight.
I actually WANT to go back, which is why i have taunted them both publicly, just so they respond, so that i get to do what i ran away from doing earlier in 2007:
when my mom and i had our last 'discussion' and i, frustrated that she kept talking down to me, and she had said something and was about to walk out of the room; i grabbed her and told her she was NOT going anywhere until i had said what i wanted to say. in my whole adult life, this was the first time i had manhandled my mother, and my hands sinking into the flesh of her upper arms and her going rigid with terror...well, it should have shocked me, but what did shock me was the very great effort i had to take to keep my right arm from bunching into a fist and striking her once across the temple...and killing her.
i found myself enjoying that...and it was the enjoyment that shocked me...and i knew i had to leave, and never come back. because, you see, i never forgot anything the two did to me, and my brokenness is one that, unlike others who had someone to salve their wounds, was ever fresh, and my own distancing of myself from people meant i never could allow anyone that close so that i could be healed.
And it is too late now, anyway, thanks largely to the bumbling efforts of The Holy Spirit.When he put his two cents worth in it, and went on and on about how michelle was the best thing, "one in a million", i went "?!" to God, and HE said i should show THS that there were ten women who had impressed me without having anything to do with church or The Holy Spirit.
But even they would not be enough. Because these ten would be necessary to keep THS quiet, and if He should want to ever open His mouth around me again, it had better be WITH these women in tow, or i have the right to chuck him out of my life for good... because, as i said, God would agree to ANYTHING i asked for, if it meant i had to remain totally unshackled and NOT think of going back to my parents.
According to Him, I am much better than i know, but ALL i know is my shame, that i want to KILL my mother and father...and whats worse, i once struck my father and enjoyed it, and i get dreams of me meeting him and daring bothe him amd my mom to deny that there is truth in what i said about them... .
the point is, people, no matter how outrageous anything i say may be...if it keeps me happy, then God will OK it, and that means, I will have MY way!
I am also sobered by the leeway I have to do just about whatever I want, just simply so that I do not go back home... to my mother and father.
So, there I was, with a weekend to kill and nothing much to do with it, and I got to contemplating...never a good idea with me, and this time it was the worst ever, because I was wondering about God, and why "me", because every answer i thought i had found led to more and more questions...hell, even my being on a blogspot is all a question of trying to find out the reason why God was interested, and IS interested, in me...
The reason i actually decided to experiment with all this is that i had, late 2010, clear as day, a statement before me,
September 18: Independence Day
and that was around November, and so i knew that whatever it was would have to take place the following year, and while i was unhappy that it would take so long to be realised, i was sanguine enough to acknowledge that maybe the delay was because i am, as a rule, immune to advice or counsel from anyone.The only One i ever listen to is God, because frankly, He is the only one I trust and He has all the answers AND does not intend me any harm. Nor does He have vested interests that would result in my humiliation.
So, early 2011, i tried my best to pre-empt/ anticipate Him. Since, when i had formerly washed my hands of The Goldbach Conjecture, and said it was too late, He had emphatically stated, "It is NEVER too late"; i hazarded a guess that the 'independence' may have something to do with finances, and so, i picked up the Conjecture where i had left it off and tried to get it published...which led to the blogspot, Obama, and ultimately, the US$500m threshold.
i was, however, only secondarily interested in the practical aspect of my life, i wanted the God-side sorted first, because everything else would follow if everuything was right with Him, and this, therefore, explains my continuous about-turns.
Then i met michelle, and while i liked her, i felt for her what i had never felt for any other person before...empathy... and i tried my best to keep her at arm's length; at first i thought because of The Holy Spirit, but now, i realise, because of the darkness within me...because on the 18th of September, she took me out, and as much as admitted she loved me.
i had her in the palm of my hand, and if it had been anyone else, i will be honest, i would have spoken words of love to her and gotten her to eat out of my hand, but because, honestly, i CARE about her, i decided to back off...and i was wondering just WHY i did not make a move on her,though i kept telling myself, till yesterday, that she did not deserve having me inflicted on her.
Because, you see, i have uncovered just why God says that He would give me just about everything i may demand, and point my finger at, just to KEEP me from going home , to, see my mom and dad:
I would be quite happy to kill them both with my bare hands. On sight.
I actually WANT to go back, which is why i have taunted them both publicly, just so they respond, so that i get to do what i ran away from doing earlier in 2007:
when my mom and i had our last 'discussion' and i, frustrated that she kept talking down to me, and she had said something and was about to walk out of the room; i grabbed her and told her she was NOT going anywhere until i had said what i wanted to say. in my whole adult life, this was the first time i had manhandled my mother, and my hands sinking into the flesh of her upper arms and her going rigid with terror...well, it should have shocked me, but what did shock me was the very great effort i had to take to keep my right arm from bunching into a fist and striking her once across the temple...and killing her.
i found myself enjoying that...and it was the enjoyment that shocked me...and i knew i had to leave, and never come back. because, you see, i never forgot anything the two did to me, and my brokenness is one that, unlike others who had someone to salve their wounds, was ever fresh, and my own distancing of myself from people meant i never could allow anyone that close so that i could be healed.
And it is too late now, anyway, thanks largely to the bumbling efforts of The Holy Spirit.When he put his two cents worth in it, and went on and on about how michelle was the best thing, "one in a million", i went "?!" to God, and HE said i should show THS that there were ten women who had impressed me without having anything to do with church or The Holy Spirit.
But even they would not be enough. Because these ten would be necessary to keep THS quiet, and if He should want to ever open His mouth around me again, it had better be WITH these women in tow, or i have the right to chuck him out of my life for good... because, as i said, God would agree to ANYTHING i asked for, if it meant i had to remain totally unshackled and NOT think of going back to my parents.
According to Him, I am much better than i know, but ALL i know is my shame, that i want to KILL my mother and father...and whats worse, i once struck my father and enjoyed it, and i get dreams of me meeting him and daring bothe him amd my mom to deny that there is truth in what i said about them... .
the point is, people, no matter how outrageous anything i say may be...if it keeps me happy, then God will OK it, and that means, I will have MY way!
