So, yesterday morning i bump into Michelle, and for the first time she accosts me and says, " Why are you STILL doing here? You should go home, really you should".
She sounded a bit hurt, and I suppose with what I have written about her she would have justification, but all I did was just grin-- I had nothing against her at the moment-- and ask, "Really?" and walk on.
Later on, I was lying down and I asked God, "Why AM I still here?", and He later sent me a proverb, "Tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water", and I was a bit hazy about it but then I read the opening chapter of the book by Maro Puzo, "Fools Die", about a guy, divorced from wife and kids, who goes to Las Vegas, goes on a winning streak in gambling, wins..let me check, 'close to four hundred grand',[page 30] and then, when the three friends that he has made get set to send him off across the world to 'enjoy himself', he goes up to his room, locks himself up and blows his brains out with a gun.
That brought me back to the time when, in 2000, I was standing outside the Physics lab with a guy who had 'prayed the prayer of repentance' over me, Nkosikhona Ndlovu, before a Math lesson , we were sunning ourselves waiting for the teacher to show up, and I said, out of the blue, " I am going to the toilet, but when I come back, I want to know if God loves me", and when I did come back, the teacher was already in the lab [ah, we DID our math lessons in the Physics lab at Thornhill High] and he was waiting for me to take my place nearest the door, and as soon as I sat down he said, "Now, I have an announcement; Tungamirai has won first prize in the National Zimmaths competition run by The University of Zimbabwe, for the month of ****[dont remember the date], and his prize money will be here shortly".
Everybody stood and applauded, and I felt like dying, because if I had NOT sat with my back away from every other pupil, I would NEVER have tried to answer the puzzles anyway, but because I assumed that everyone else was going to answer it, my hand shot up when the teacher asked who had completed it , and when he asked to see it, I said I had forgotten it at home, and promised to bring it the following day, only to realise that I had committed myself to an act that no one else was going to accomplish... so I had to do it!
And I did, but that is NOT the point.
Life is, and will, as I see it, very heavy for me, and the only thing I have ever wanted was to avoid being serious about it. I grew up unwanted, and so, while knowing that I can not do anything to change THAT, I still never wanted to be so conspicuous, because I am NOT interested in what matters to anyone else. The Holy Spirit showed up and He tried to drive my life the way He saw fit, which is why He prompted me to "ask" something that He wanted to give, because to Him, what mattered was recognition, and He is the reason I have had to solve The Goldbach Conjecture, and seek to do stuff to show what is wrong with modern mathematics...just so I could get HIM in a cleft stick and make Him realise He is wrong to make assumption about people when only God knows what is in people's hearts.
And God knew what I wanted I could never find, so He sent me someOne Who was supposed to NOT make life a burden, but He had His own ideas about "serving God", and He forgot that God will never look twice at something that is supposedly done for Him when the heart of a person is not in it, and He [God] had said that I would only have to tell people about what is the truth, and as long as I did not have to be committed to anything, or make myself an authority, I could get by with that.
Now this... Self Important "Spirit of God" decided He knows what only God knows, and He makes my life miserable just so He can "make me" do what should come naturally, since God said He would rather have steadfast love, not sacrifice. Yet to The Holy Spirit, it is, "Obedience through sacrifice".
So, here I am, not really willing to go ahead, because if I do, and let Him, The Holy Spirit, orchestrate things, I will end up right where I was... suicidal, and doing my best to just destroy everything.
So, while He has been trying to prod me to do what He thinks I ought to do, I have been busy looking for chicks, and yesterday I saw another one, and tagged her. I am willing to do a trade... in exchange for these chicks...there were 5 before but I have since seen three more, so I am at 8... I will finish this and let the world know what is the truth.
The point is, I hate being alone with Him... out there in the open, without at least some people to just be hidden among, and I was going for ten, but if He persists in putting me in a corner then I could go for twenty... and His frustration would know no bounds because He thinks He is in charge when in fact I could not care a hoot what He might try to do to "break me".
I have nothing to lose, nothing to gain. Just do not want to be alone with The Holy Spirit, not after everything He put me through. If He was a person I would kill Him, but now, because He is untouchable, I want to have Him regret, every single day, ever trying to run my life... for all eternity if need be.
She sounded a bit hurt, and I suppose with what I have written about her she would have justification, but all I did was just grin-- I had nothing against her at the moment-- and ask, "Really?" and walk on.
Later on, I was lying down and I asked God, "Why AM I still here?", and He later sent me a proverb, "Tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water", and I was a bit hazy about it but then I read the opening chapter of the book by Maro Puzo, "Fools Die", about a guy, divorced from wife and kids, who goes to Las Vegas, goes on a winning streak in gambling, wins..let me check, 'close to four hundred grand',[page 30] and then, when the three friends that he has made get set to send him off across the world to 'enjoy himself', he goes up to his room, locks himself up and blows his brains out with a gun.
That brought me back to the time when, in 2000, I was standing outside the Physics lab with a guy who had 'prayed the prayer of repentance' over me, Nkosikhona Ndlovu, before a Math lesson , we were sunning ourselves waiting for the teacher to show up, and I said, out of the blue, " I am going to the toilet, but when I come back, I want to know if God loves me", and when I did come back, the teacher was already in the lab [ah, we DID our math lessons in the Physics lab at Thornhill High] and he was waiting for me to take my place nearest the door, and as soon as I sat down he said, "Now, I have an announcement; Tungamirai has won first prize in the National Zimmaths competition run by The University of Zimbabwe, for the month of ****[dont remember the date], and his prize money will be here shortly".
Everybody stood and applauded, and I felt like dying, because if I had NOT sat with my back away from every other pupil, I would NEVER have tried to answer the puzzles anyway, but because I assumed that everyone else was going to answer it, my hand shot up when the teacher asked who had completed it , and when he asked to see it, I said I had forgotten it at home, and promised to bring it the following day, only to realise that I had committed myself to an act that no one else was going to accomplish... so I had to do it!
And I did, but that is NOT the point.
Life is, and will, as I see it, very heavy for me, and the only thing I have ever wanted was to avoid being serious about it. I grew up unwanted, and so, while knowing that I can not do anything to change THAT, I still never wanted to be so conspicuous, because I am NOT interested in what matters to anyone else. The Holy Spirit showed up and He tried to drive my life the way He saw fit, which is why He prompted me to "ask" something that He wanted to give, because to Him, what mattered was recognition, and He is the reason I have had to solve The Goldbach Conjecture, and seek to do stuff to show what is wrong with modern mathematics...just so I could get HIM in a cleft stick and make Him realise He is wrong to make assumption about people when only God knows what is in people's hearts.
And God knew what I wanted I could never find, so He sent me someOne Who was supposed to NOT make life a burden, but He had His own ideas about "serving God", and He forgot that God will never look twice at something that is supposedly done for Him when the heart of a person is not in it, and He [God] had said that I would only have to tell people about what is the truth, and as long as I did not have to be committed to anything, or make myself an authority, I could get by with that.
Now this... Self Important "Spirit of God" decided He knows what only God knows, and He makes my life miserable just so He can "make me" do what should come naturally, since God said He would rather have steadfast love, not sacrifice. Yet to The Holy Spirit, it is, "Obedience through sacrifice".
So, here I am, not really willing to go ahead, because if I do, and let Him, The Holy Spirit, orchestrate things, I will end up right where I was... suicidal, and doing my best to just destroy everything.
So, while He has been trying to prod me to do what He thinks I ought to do, I have been busy looking for chicks, and yesterday I saw another one, and tagged her. I am willing to do a trade... in exchange for these chicks...there were 5 before but I have since seen three more, so I am at 8... I will finish this and let the world know what is the truth.
The point is, I hate being alone with Him... out there in the open, without at least some people to just be hidden among, and I was going for ten, but if He persists in putting me in a corner then I could go for twenty... and His frustration would know no bounds because He thinks He is in charge when in fact I could not care a hoot what He might try to do to "break me".
I have nothing to lose, nothing to gain. Just do not want to be alone with The Holy Spirit, not after everything He put me through. If He was a person I would kill Him, but now, because He is untouchable, I want to have Him regret, every single day, ever trying to run my life... for all eternity if need be.
