I have stopped hopping about like a grasshopper. It took a long hard dispassionate look at myself and a critical analysis of God's word, both biblical and personal, to finally decide to do what must be done.
And the only painful thing about it would probably be the brutal honesty of it all... but honestly, I did hint around a lot, but lets face it, "pity" is no substitute for attraction, and I HAVE to do what I am now doing because there is no way I can stop myself once I start rolling.
I said I had chosen 20 women. I did. And the thing is, I did not ask them, but I just took them for myself...which is a form of violence, "violating" their freedom to choose, I suppose, but then, that is my prerogative, not that I am a bully, but because, before God came into my life, I had analysed the whole existence thing, found it boring and was planning my exit. He came...I will have to fully explain that on Monday... and before I said anything, He, not The Holy Spirit, told me that if I tried to be what I was not I would just trap myself, by quoting the poem, "What tangled webs we weave when first we learn to deceive", because at that time I was about to "try" to be entangled with a girl who was at school with me, whom I had rejected already but kept going after because I knew that there would not be something better within reach.
I let her go.
Then I tried to figure God out, and when The Holy Spirit took that as a sign that I was a confirmed Christian, he started tormenting me, so much so that one day, I a person who never wimpered, angrily asked, "God, what do You want of me?", to which He promptly replied,"Be yourself!".
You will notice that I specifically did not ask Him what He wanted me to do, but rather why He was doing these things to me.
I will never ask God for anything, nor will He ever order me to do anything. I do not obey Him, nor does He command me. When I worked some of that out, I said that I would become a vegetable; lay my life before Him, and He denied that, told me I would be His best friend, and I would not die, but like Enoch, I would walk with Him.
My continued existence means He has not grown weary of me. The moment He does, I will die. So, as long as I am alive, and that is forever, then what I do has His tacit approval. I therefore can not ask anyone for anything, because if I am unable to do so with God, what is a mere creature that I must look up to it.
The point is, where my sphere of influence is concerned, I am the final word.
God does not command me the way He commands everyone else, which is why He guides me with "His eye", meaning I have to look Him in the eye and not be ashamed of myself when I act, and since He knows me, it takes only the least thing to make me uneasy for me to seek His face, and point out what is bothering me and ask if I am going too far. He will then ask me what I am unhappy with, and I will tell Him, and He will keep on probing, and I will keep on probing till we both arrive at the real cause, and He and I will amicably resolve the problem, and He and I will move on to something else.
Then the resolved issue becomes fact.
Last night, He kept at me, till I admitted that I am really the most violent, most aggressive person alive. I am a raging bowl of fury looking for the least provocation to erupt, and He has "seen" me.
Take Paula for example.
I was not 100% sure that what she wanted me to see was what I saw, so I kept probing, and showing up at unexpected times, and it was then that I realised just why she was really so apparently "into" me, and I would have washed my hands of her but I was full of pity, and anger that she had dared "soil" me. But I have let go the pity,and the fact of the matter is I have chosen to have nothing to do with her at all, or with her cousin, but rather take the one person who, in the whole area, really appealed to me: her sister.
It must have been hell growing up with someone like Paula... but I will get into that some other time.
Then there is Michelle
Well, the first time I saw her I ignored her, and she kept shoving her nose into my face, and I have been trying to get her to butt out, and she would not. So, I am putting my foot down.
With her, Paula's cousin, and the two German girls and Paula out of the way, guess what kind of people remain? 15 women who do not make my hackles rise on sight.
Now, I do not want to kill anyone, and trust me,I have been stripped of my thin veneer of civilisation by her and her antics, and so my margin for tolerance is at the thinnest its ever been, so I have decied that, rather than dwell on the negative, I will keep to the not-so- negative parts of life.
I will take her friend, not because it appeals to my warped sense of humour, though it does, but because if she is the one I "saw" last night then she is a pretty woman, and the kind of person I would like having around... alonmg with the other fourteen.
But, so as not to "miss" any of these ones I have thrown away, here are some women I should have paid attention to from the first anyway:
16) The sexy divorcee.
Now she is terrified of her husband, and will not even dare utter a word to his face, but her actions are eloquent. She comes to court dressed in a manner that says, "Up yours, motherfucker!", and I liked her spunk. Hey, I am willing to capitalise on that and give her unlimited freedom!
17)The lodge mother
The woman who, despite being saddled with two kids, decides she will have fun and go to a wedding, and plan on getting drunk...well, hey why let the flame be extinguished?
18)The library blonde
She was the mother of one who spoke so politely to her mother, asking for an email address. NOBODY is that polite out of love!
19) Bespectabled short haired girl.
She is the one who always makes her son walk, does not carry him, and well, actions speak louder than words.
20)I saw HER on the train on Wednesday. Spoke some foreing language, like Mid Eastern or something and she was a looker, with rings on her thumbs. I liked her on sight, especially the fact that the males with her had the repressed looks of frustrated lust!
And the only painful thing about it would probably be the brutal honesty of it all... but honestly, I did hint around a lot, but lets face it, "pity" is no substitute for attraction, and I HAVE to do what I am now doing because there is no way I can stop myself once I start rolling.
I said I had chosen 20 women. I did. And the thing is, I did not ask them, but I just took them for myself...which is a form of violence, "violating" their freedom to choose, I suppose, but then, that is my prerogative, not that I am a bully, but because, before God came into my life, I had analysed the whole existence thing, found it boring and was planning my exit. He came...I will have to fully explain that on Monday... and before I said anything, He, not The Holy Spirit, told me that if I tried to be what I was not I would just trap myself, by quoting the poem, "What tangled webs we weave when first we learn to deceive", because at that time I was about to "try" to be entangled with a girl who was at school with me, whom I had rejected already but kept going after because I knew that there would not be something better within reach.
I let her go.
Then I tried to figure God out, and when The Holy Spirit took that as a sign that I was a confirmed Christian, he started tormenting me, so much so that one day, I a person who never wimpered, angrily asked, "God, what do You want of me?", to which He promptly replied,"Be yourself!".
You will notice that I specifically did not ask Him what He wanted me to do, but rather why He was doing these things to me.
I will never ask God for anything, nor will He ever order me to do anything. I do not obey Him, nor does He command me. When I worked some of that out, I said that I would become a vegetable; lay my life before Him, and He denied that, told me I would be His best friend, and I would not die, but like Enoch, I would walk with Him.
My continued existence means He has not grown weary of me. The moment He does, I will die. So, as long as I am alive, and that is forever, then what I do has His tacit approval. I therefore can not ask anyone for anything, because if I am unable to do so with God, what is a mere creature that I must look up to it.
The point is, where my sphere of influence is concerned, I am the final word.
God does not command me the way He commands everyone else, which is why He guides me with "His eye", meaning I have to look Him in the eye and not be ashamed of myself when I act, and since He knows me, it takes only the least thing to make me uneasy for me to seek His face, and point out what is bothering me and ask if I am going too far. He will then ask me what I am unhappy with, and I will tell Him, and He will keep on probing, and I will keep on probing till we both arrive at the real cause, and He and I will amicably resolve the problem, and He and I will move on to something else.
Then the resolved issue becomes fact.
Last night, He kept at me, till I admitted that I am really the most violent, most aggressive person alive. I am a raging bowl of fury looking for the least provocation to erupt, and He has "seen" me.
Take Paula for example.
I was not 100% sure that what she wanted me to see was what I saw, so I kept probing, and showing up at unexpected times, and it was then that I realised just why she was really so apparently "into" me, and I would have washed my hands of her but I was full of pity, and anger that she had dared "soil" me. But I have let go the pity,and the fact of the matter is I have chosen to have nothing to do with her at all, or with her cousin, but rather take the one person who, in the whole area, really appealed to me: her sister.
It must have been hell growing up with someone like Paula... but I will get into that some other time.
Then there is Michelle
Well, the first time I saw her I ignored her, and she kept shoving her nose into my face, and I have been trying to get her to butt out, and she would not. So, I am putting my foot down.
With her, Paula's cousin, and the two German girls and Paula out of the way, guess what kind of people remain? 15 women who do not make my hackles rise on sight.
Now, I do not want to kill anyone, and trust me,I have been stripped of my thin veneer of civilisation by her and her antics, and so my margin for tolerance is at the thinnest its ever been, so I have decied that, rather than dwell on the negative, I will keep to the not-so- negative parts of life.
I will take her friend, not because it appeals to my warped sense of humour, though it does, but because if she is the one I "saw" last night then she is a pretty woman, and the kind of person I would like having around... alonmg with the other fourteen.
But, so as not to "miss" any of these ones I have thrown away, here are some women I should have paid attention to from the first anyway:
16) The sexy divorcee.
Now she is terrified of her husband, and will not even dare utter a word to his face, but her actions are eloquent. She comes to court dressed in a manner that says, "Up yours, motherfucker!", and I liked her spunk. Hey, I am willing to capitalise on that and give her unlimited freedom!
17)The lodge mother
The woman who, despite being saddled with two kids, decides she will have fun and go to a wedding, and plan on getting drunk...well, hey why let the flame be extinguished?
18)The library blonde
She was the mother of one who spoke so politely to her mother, asking for an email address. NOBODY is that polite out of love!
19) Bespectabled short haired girl.
She is the one who always makes her son walk, does not carry him, and well, actions speak louder than words.
20)I saw HER on the train on Wednesday. Spoke some foreing language, like Mid Eastern or something and she was a looker, with rings on her thumbs. I liked her on sight, especially the fact that the males with her had the repressed looks of frustrated lust!
