My story is one of running the gauntlet of all that the 'powers' of this earth can throw my way, and the ONLY reason why I still stand tall now, and am now reaching out to take charge...there are no two ways about it, my shadow will descend full force all over the world, all corners of it... is that I did nothing about it... did not fight back, did not succumb, did not run... I just stood there, and took it all, soaked it up, and merely waited to see what would happen...
Till God stepped in and SAID nothing, as well. That fact is vitally important, because if He had said anything, then He would have been limiting Himself to mere words, but by my 'hearing' Him without experiencing any audible or sensory input, He literally showed His Lordship over everything and... also, affirmed my right to do something about what was bothering me...simply because I had hesitated to act till I knew I would not be disrupting HIS world order.
Or the order of existence...to be more precise.
That meeting, on the dark night when I was psyching myself up to go back and 'pretend' for another week so that my mother could literally piss all over me while I lay down and took it, showed me that God was NOT..shall I say... "unbiased", but that He had definite views on what should happen in the place He called His 'rest' [ Isaiah : "Heaven is My throne and the earth is My footstool;- What house would you build for Me?"]
Anyway, what I had been strenuously objecting to, and what He had been objecting to my objections has been one teeny weeny sticking point, which means absolutely nothing to either Him or to me since neither he nor I are affected, but which I would euphemistically call, "moral grounds", was this salient point...which, unfortunately means everything to everyone else:
DEATH of PEOPLE:... either by my hands or His.
Because you see, the reason I just stood there and watched as my mother went from one scheme of torture to another as I grew up, and the reason why, at times I also helped her in her 'fights' against my father, was the fact that I was not certain what would 'happen' should I decide to do as I longed to do.
After all, she was a living, breathing human being who has 'as much right' as I had to be alive, maybe more so, since if she had not existed I would never have been born, and so, I could not do anything to her without seeming to be cancelling out my own existence as well, so I preferred, on those grounds, to let her get away with attempted murder, countless times.
I bear the scars of that, mostly head wounds.
Into the fray, once they saw I was easy meat, leapt the demons, the 'ancestral spirits' who tormented me with nightmares and hell as I lay to sleep. So my growing days were merry torment. If I slept, the demons waited for me, if I did not, my father and mother fighting over sex would keep me in a state of tension.
During the day, at school or with "friends", my aloofness was taken as a sign of superiority, and my 'friends' would torment me.
I was a runt, and got picked on, and I bore it all, even disregarding a desire to be cynical and malicious...I would not permit myself to be brought so low as to be like people who judged on mere appearance... so I went into my own 'safe zone', burying myself in books that had nothing to do with what was happening around me.
The lack of effect seemed to infuriate my mother, whom I would catch talking to herself and making gestures whose meaning was unmistakable; 'I am going to fix him, just you wait!'
Again, I merely watched, and as I did so, a pattern of how things stood started to emerge, and the final nail was driven into the coffin by some words by Christ himself, which made me realise just how both the demons on one hand, and him and The Holy Spirit on the other, had taken over things and disregarded God' s role as owner of everything:
"...where the carcass is, there the vultures gather"
Now, Christ was an interesting and contradictory person, whose all-too-frequent allusions in the parable of the prodigal son, the lost coin, the lost sheep, painted his own midset with regards to God: he was willfully walking away from God in the hope that he would force God to stop being so 'unbending' and be forced to say, "OK, because you are My son, the ONLY one to come OUT from me, I will for your sake, give up everything I am so that you can live".
Yet God did not do so, and the one time Christ let control slip out of his hands; the time when he was 'dead', God would not permit him to have his way and be, '3 days and 3 nights' dead. He woke him up too early. And Christ made a fool of himself by going, "No sign shall be given this generation but the sign of Jonah", when in effect he went around performing signs and wonders and raising the dead and generally violating people's rights to 'be sick' or to be tormented if they so chose [ha ha!] simply because he wanted to announce, wake up you dead things, I am here!
Which is why his statement that vultures gathered over carcasses made me see just how wrong he was. Because just as the vulture is bare-headed, he also revealed his thoughts to me by his words: Christ wanted to be in charge, and wanted to force God to let him be in charge. By twisting His arm, everyway He could.
God was having none of it. His view coincided with mine: If someone can not see you as anything when he is near, then no matter what you may do, he will never respect you.
Respect is never earned: It is either intrinsic or is non existant.
The reason why God has let me have my way and refused to take my protests in hand has been this: He has known from my birth that I respected only Him, and no one else, and nothing else, and for THAT reason, He has let me do as I see fit to make sure His resting place is 'clean'.
Which is why He rejected my attempt the other day when I wanted to 'stereotype' the women I would have...because no one 'type' is better than another. It was merely the individual people who counted, not their backgrounds, nor their hair colour.
Anyway, I am the only person who was ever 'independent' of my mother, and so, that is why
Everything that breathes on this earth WILL call me LORD!
Till God stepped in and SAID nothing, as well. That fact is vitally important, because if He had said anything, then He would have been limiting Himself to mere words, but by my 'hearing' Him without experiencing any audible or sensory input, He literally showed His Lordship over everything and... also, affirmed my right to do something about what was bothering me...simply because I had hesitated to act till I knew I would not be disrupting HIS world order.
Or the order of existence...to be more precise.
That meeting, on the dark night when I was psyching myself up to go back and 'pretend' for another week so that my mother could literally piss all over me while I lay down and took it, showed me that God was NOT..shall I say... "unbiased", but that He had definite views on what should happen in the place He called His 'rest' [ Isaiah : "Heaven is My throne and the earth is My footstool;- What house would you build for Me?"]
Anyway, what I had been strenuously objecting to, and what He had been objecting to my objections has been one teeny weeny sticking point, which means absolutely nothing to either Him or to me since neither he nor I are affected, but which I would euphemistically call, "moral grounds", was this salient point...which, unfortunately means everything to everyone else:
DEATH of PEOPLE:... either by my hands or His.
Because you see, the reason I just stood there and watched as my mother went from one scheme of torture to another as I grew up, and the reason why, at times I also helped her in her 'fights' against my father, was the fact that I was not certain what would 'happen' should I decide to do as I longed to do.
After all, she was a living, breathing human being who has 'as much right' as I had to be alive, maybe more so, since if she had not existed I would never have been born, and so, I could not do anything to her without seeming to be cancelling out my own existence as well, so I preferred, on those grounds, to let her get away with attempted murder, countless times.
I bear the scars of that, mostly head wounds.
Into the fray, once they saw I was easy meat, leapt the demons, the 'ancestral spirits' who tormented me with nightmares and hell as I lay to sleep. So my growing days were merry torment. If I slept, the demons waited for me, if I did not, my father and mother fighting over sex would keep me in a state of tension.
During the day, at school or with "friends", my aloofness was taken as a sign of superiority, and my 'friends' would torment me.
I was a runt, and got picked on, and I bore it all, even disregarding a desire to be cynical and malicious...I would not permit myself to be brought so low as to be like people who judged on mere appearance... so I went into my own 'safe zone', burying myself in books that had nothing to do with what was happening around me.
The lack of effect seemed to infuriate my mother, whom I would catch talking to herself and making gestures whose meaning was unmistakable; 'I am going to fix him, just you wait!'
Again, I merely watched, and as I did so, a pattern of how things stood started to emerge, and the final nail was driven into the coffin by some words by Christ himself, which made me realise just how both the demons on one hand, and him and The Holy Spirit on the other, had taken over things and disregarded God' s role as owner of everything:
"...where the carcass is, there the vultures gather"
Now, Christ was an interesting and contradictory person, whose all-too-frequent allusions in the parable of the prodigal son, the lost coin, the lost sheep, painted his own midset with regards to God: he was willfully walking away from God in the hope that he would force God to stop being so 'unbending' and be forced to say, "OK, because you are My son, the ONLY one to come OUT from me, I will for your sake, give up everything I am so that you can live".
Yet God did not do so, and the one time Christ let control slip out of his hands; the time when he was 'dead', God would not permit him to have his way and be, '3 days and 3 nights' dead. He woke him up too early. And Christ made a fool of himself by going, "No sign shall be given this generation but the sign of Jonah", when in effect he went around performing signs and wonders and raising the dead and generally violating people's rights to 'be sick' or to be tormented if they so chose [ha ha!] simply because he wanted to announce, wake up you dead things, I am here!
Which is why his statement that vultures gathered over carcasses made me see just how wrong he was. Because just as the vulture is bare-headed, he also revealed his thoughts to me by his words: Christ wanted to be in charge, and wanted to force God to let him be in charge. By twisting His arm, everyway He could.
God was having none of it. His view coincided with mine: If someone can not see you as anything when he is near, then no matter what you may do, he will never respect you.
Respect is never earned: It is either intrinsic or is non existant.
The reason why God has let me have my way and refused to take my protests in hand has been this: He has known from my birth that I respected only Him, and no one else, and nothing else, and for THAT reason, He has let me do as I see fit to make sure His resting place is 'clean'.
Which is why He rejected my attempt the other day when I wanted to 'stereotype' the women I would have...because no one 'type' is better than another. It was merely the individual people who counted, not their backgrounds, nor their hair colour.
Anyway, I am the only person who was ever 'independent' of my mother, and so, that is why
Everything that breathes on this earth WILL call me LORD!
