After spending some dismal time wondering what was happening, why God was all of a sudden changing from being the One Who walks with me to being the One who slams what I am about, and seems to have definite views about what I may and may not have...
contrary to His 'behaviour' with me to date;
I spend a while just tossing and turning, completely...lost.
What I had always feared seemed to be happening... God was finally showing His true colours: first He had seemed so friendly, so ...permissive... but now the gloves were off, and He would not let me die, but would probably try to force me to 'do His will', because all that matters to Him is that everyone bow down to Him as God... and I would get tossed away like yesterday's news.
I wanted to tell Him I never asked for this, I wanted to say a lot of things, but during the long night, He brought to my remembrance a lot of things, among them the undeniable fact that I had seen Him, that He had showed up at the place which someone laughed at saying I was there because I could not afford to pay rent, and I had looked at His face and not been surprised that He was there, and merely complained that 'I say a lot of things and nothing is happening', and He had spread His hand in a particular direction, looked at me calmly, and with a dont-you-see smile said to me, "It is happening before your very eyes".
The thing is, if you grow up without rights, you become overly concerned with the little scraps of 'self' that you have, and guard them jealously, and you never really relax unless you are sure the person you allow near you is not out to use you, and when God showed up, it was not hard to see where I could be useful; I am, after all, a well-above-average intellectual, pragmatic, and not at all bound by convention. It was easy to realise just how I could get 'rid' of some of His problems.
But the bottom line was that I would do nothing for Him, or anyone else, regardless of how 'necessary' it was, unless the only reason why He or whoever, had even approached me, was that I mattered,and the agenda was not to take what one wanted and toss away the rest, but to take me as I am.
Because, you see, nothing can make me do something for anyone, no matter how dire the need, unless it was understood from the beginning that it was all the way, forever, or none at all.
So, as I said, I lay, thinking about all these things, wondering about why He had slammed my 'search' for ten women with flowing hair, and then, of course, I realised that he was saying that He had put His own reputation on the line, and would not compromise;... I was trying to run away from what I really longed for, and had already seen, because I was sure He would not approve, nor give it to me.
OK, I will be honest. I was smitten by six women, not only at first sight, but then when I had a second look, and well, these are, just to round them up:
1) The Dutch girl...but then I thought, ah well, she CANT be a virgin, not with those looks, and besides, she will go back to her home and forget all about me.
2)The girl who sat near me on my birthday... and never addressed a single word directly to me...I mean, what are the odds that such a woman would LATER even look twice at me?
3) The bridesmaid girl..hello, she went and probably spent the night dancing in some blokes arms, and never even spoke two words to me, except to ask, after a pause, my name, and that was after asking Sam's as well. So, I do not matter.
4)-5) The two Castle girls...maybe I read too much into the thing: I am after all, an impressionable person, whose grip on 'reality' is questionable at best, if anyone could be asked.
6) the sexy, petite polite girl I met at the library...and even then 'meet' is too much of a word, because all I have on her is based on the assumption that her convenient 'phonecall' to her mom was for my benefit... hey, it worked, but what are the odds that she was even aware of me?
Then there is the very big 'IF' where Michelle's friend is concerned,
because all I had off her, under questionable circumstances to say the least, was her just leaning forward towards me as the bakkie turned my way, and maybe I was over-reacting to everything; looking for any excuse NOT to just vent my anger at bothe Michelle and her brother, and who is to say ANY of these seven spent any sleepless nights thinking of me?
I have never mattered as a person to anyone, and while, weirdly, these people with whom I have never had anything remotely resembling a normal conversation with were busy tearing my heart to pieces, my question was: Am I even doing the same to them?
Then, of course, there were the three 'reasons' God said, "Not on My watch, no way!"
1) I was angry, at The Holy Spirit and at everything, and then, on the 25th of May, this girl comes into my view and she has a face that says... or so I take it, "Take me to bed!", and of course, after I stop, and turn, I look into her eyes in surprise, and then I rudely undress her with my eyes, trying to get her to be angry with me and just give me the finger or something, and restore the world to its proper balance... and instead she goes, with her hands; "Come on, I am still dressed!", and I walk away.
She had golden hair, and stupid me assumed that, because it was not 'free-flowing' it was therefore kept so by dilligent use of some chemicals and stuff, when in point of fact there are many women whose hair naturally does NOT hang loose.
Honestly, she smote me not a little bit, and then I thought, ah well, just another day in the life of the greatest choker ever to live. I never make any progress, so why bother hoping?
2)Same day, a few minutes later, I am at the library and there across me is ANOTHER set golden haired lady, only she has two small earings on her exposed left ear, and aside from that, her face is the type you would drink in at all times and she just...stands there while I peer at her like I am a bat blinded by sudden light, and my face is only inches from hers (thank God for the bookshelf, otherwise I would have had to be 'in' her face, and probably pushed the book out of her hands to see her better) and what does she do? She just stands there, head to one side, and totally ignores me...
Story of my life!
Only puzzling thing is, when I am about to leave she gets up suddenly, cuts across in front of me, and KEEPS on ignoring me, even though she was so rude! What am I, the invisible man?
3)The day after, another set-haired girl, only HER hair is as white as snow, and like her face. Now the reason I stop on sight is not out of politeness, but the fact that if it had not been for her forbidding lipstick, I would probably have taken her in my arms and kissed her, and though she looks me in the eye and doesn't give her nose a twitch nor galnce at my hands to see if I have a weapon, I wonder...!
Those are the ten women!
contrary to His 'behaviour' with me to date;
I spend a while just tossing and turning, completely...lost.
What I had always feared seemed to be happening... God was finally showing His true colours: first He had seemed so friendly, so ...permissive... but now the gloves were off, and He would not let me die, but would probably try to force me to 'do His will', because all that matters to Him is that everyone bow down to Him as God... and I would get tossed away like yesterday's news.
I wanted to tell Him I never asked for this, I wanted to say a lot of things, but during the long night, He brought to my remembrance a lot of things, among them the undeniable fact that I had seen Him, that He had showed up at the place which someone laughed at saying I was there because I could not afford to pay rent, and I had looked at His face and not been surprised that He was there, and merely complained that 'I say a lot of things and nothing is happening', and He had spread His hand in a particular direction, looked at me calmly, and with a dont-you-see smile said to me, "It is happening before your very eyes".
The thing is, if you grow up without rights, you become overly concerned with the little scraps of 'self' that you have, and guard them jealously, and you never really relax unless you are sure the person you allow near you is not out to use you, and when God showed up, it was not hard to see where I could be useful; I am, after all, a well-above-average intellectual, pragmatic, and not at all bound by convention. It was easy to realise just how I could get 'rid' of some of His problems.
But the bottom line was that I would do nothing for Him, or anyone else, regardless of how 'necessary' it was, unless the only reason why He or whoever, had even approached me, was that I mattered,and the agenda was not to take what one wanted and toss away the rest, but to take me as I am.
Because, you see, nothing can make me do something for anyone, no matter how dire the need, unless it was understood from the beginning that it was all the way, forever, or none at all.
So, as I said, I lay, thinking about all these things, wondering about why He had slammed my 'search' for ten women with flowing hair, and then, of course, I realised that he was saying that He had put His own reputation on the line, and would not compromise;... I was trying to run away from what I really longed for, and had already seen, because I was sure He would not approve, nor give it to me.
OK, I will be honest. I was smitten by six women, not only at first sight, but then when I had a second look, and well, these are, just to round them up:
1) The Dutch girl...but then I thought, ah well, she CANT be a virgin, not with those looks, and besides, she will go back to her home and forget all about me.
2)The girl who sat near me on my birthday... and never addressed a single word directly to me...I mean, what are the odds that such a woman would LATER even look twice at me?
3) The bridesmaid girl..hello, she went and probably spent the night dancing in some blokes arms, and never even spoke two words to me, except to ask, after a pause, my name, and that was after asking Sam's as well. So, I do not matter.
4)-5) The two Castle girls...maybe I read too much into the thing: I am after all, an impressionable person, whose grip on 'reality' is questionable at best, if anyone could be asked.
6) the sexy, petite polite girl I met at the library...and even then 'meet' is too much of a word, because all I have on her is based on the assumption that her convenient 'phonecall' to her mom was for my benefit... hey, it worked, but what are the odds that she was even aware of me?
Then there is the very big 'IF' where Michelle's friend is concerned,
because all I had off her, under questionable circumstances to say the least, was her just leaning forward towards me as the bakkie turned my way, and maybe I was over-reacting to everything; looking for any excuse NOT to just vent my anger at bothe Michelle and her brother, and who is to say ANY of these seven spent any sleepless nights thinking of me?
I have never mattered as a person to anyone, and while, weirdly, these people with whom I have never had anything remotely resembling a normal conversation with were busy tearing my heart to pieces, my question was: Am I even doing the same to them?
Then, of course, there were the three 'reasons' God said, "Not on My watch, no way!"
1) I was angry, at The Holy Spirit and at everything, and then, on the 25th of May, this girl comes into my view and she has a face that says... or so I take it, "Take me to bed!", and of course, after I stop, and turn, I look into her eyes in surprise, and then I rudely undress her with my eyes, trying to get her to be angry with me and just give me the finger or something, and restore the world to its proper balance... and instead she goes, with her hands; "Come on, I am still dressed!", and I walk away.
She had golden hair, and stupid me assumed that, because it was not 'free-flowing' it was therefore kept so by dilligent use of some chemicals and stuff, when in point of fact there are many women whose hair naturally does NOT hang loose.
Honestly, she smote me not a little bit, and then I thought, ah well, just another day in the life of the greatest choker ever to live. I never make any progress, so why bother hoping?
2)Same day, a few minutes later, I am at the library and there across me is ANOTHER set golden haired lady, only she has two small earings on her exposed left ear, and aside from that, her face is the type you would drink in at all times and she just...stands there while I peer at her like I am a bat blinded by sudden light, and my face is only inches from hers (thank God for the bookshelf, otherwise I would have had to be 'in' her face, and probably pushed the book out of her hands to see her better) and what does she do? She just stands there, head to one side, and totally ignores me...
Story of my life!
Only puzzling thing is, when I am about to leave she gets up suddenly, cuts across in front of me, and KEEPS on ignoring me, even though she was so rude! What am I, the invisible man?
3)The day after, another set-haired girl, only HER hair is as white as snow, and like her face. Now the reason I stop on sight is not out of politeness, but the fact that if it had not been for her forbidding lipstick, I would probably have taken her in my arms and kissed her, and though she looks me in the eye and doesn't give her nose a twitch nor galnce at my hands to see if I have a weapon, I wonder...!
Those are the ten women!
