So I was griping about the wasted time and effort, the seeming pointlessness of my dwelling on my past, and the things I had hidden so deeply inside, and wondering why God was so persistently drawing me towards the events of about half a lifetime away...
Till I grasped WHY this was all happening.
And was STUNNED.
And looked to God in a new light.
And was terrified.
OK, then, not terrified, because I am incapable of fear...whether that is fortunate or not, I can not tell, but well, it means I was at the very least...knocked down.
I never knew, of course, how big an impact the married woman made on me, by being, aside from my sisters [weird, because I have never had my sisters mention it before,although they, knowing sibling rivalry, ought to have] the only female to never be repulsed by my sight, as I grew up that is.
Oh, hell, I KNOW I am ugly, and that the sight of me makes virtually everyone crack jokes about baboons and such, so, of course, when this woman stared, and liked staring, I was ready to paint her in the whitest light possible, and never even made the connection that the man who always seemed to walk far infront of her [as though ashamed] could be anything but a brother forced to look after a disgraced sister's mistakes. Because there was a sort of resemblance between man and wife...or maybe it couold be that Ndebele people have the same sort of 'strange hardness' of face to a Shona boy with a low interest in life.
But realising that I have never gotten over the woman [though the man died shortly after; I suspect The Holy Spirit, it has all the trademarks of his making-ends-meet approach to humbling any man] made me aware of how I have approached any woman who has even the least bit of connection to that part of my past.
Like how I brushed off the girl from Gelncairn Heights on sight because she could have been a 'negative', or is it a positive, of the woman.
And she felt it, and must have wondered why I was so ANGRY at her.
I felt so angry when I found out the truth about the woman I clamped down, emotionally, and never opened up, ever since.
Then, to rub it in, on the same day, ANOTHER reminder in the form of another 'image' of an 'image' of the woman, the lady at Fish Hoek Library.
Then me diverting it all by calling for a woman with a different ass, only for a girl with [God knows how to probe wounds, hey?] a cleft chin [my mother's 'friend' didnt have one but the closeness was unnerving].
And all three had the same 'set' of hair, and, once they had burned into my mind the distinction between themselves and the source of my major mistrust of people outside of my family, I was able to review them objectively...reluctantly... as being quite beautiful and probably NOT like the two timing woman.
VERY reluctantly.
Then comes the woman who also looked at me, the lady with the sad face and the sea blue eyes. Like she expected me to say something, and was waiting for me to spring her out of her tower.
And she is married. How is that for irony?
So, I was more than glad to see one who did NOT really look at me directly, but smiled so... sweetly that, for fear of seeming at a loss for words, my heart melted. That is all I can say. I realised I have an appreciation for her,simply because she smiled in a way I can not describe.
And, in case you do not know, I am a cynic. A pessimist.
THEN, it gets murky, because now, I am not going by what I saw, but the 'help' that God provided when He promised that, in removing The Holy Spirit out of all flesh, he would leave visions for the young men, dreams for the old men [nothing for the women except they would speak glorious things about God (prophesy)], and THAT is what has me all... in a knot.
Because WAY before my trouble with Michelle, when I still wondered what The Trinity was up to sending mixed signals, I had these things that have made me stay focused on God.
And there were about 6 visios of ONE person...and I remember explaining the reasoning of God to Michelle once; that He would send these things to the man so that he would not get fed up with women and judge them accoring to mere circumstancial eveidence.
And NO ONE qualifies more for that category than Michelle's friend, because I gave up, this morning, reasoning that The Holy Spirit knew what she looks like so he would tell me that so I could be hooked onto her.
The point is, why would he? It serves him no purpose, because the woman is beautiful, and when, after being fed up with bombardments, I said, OK, show me this woman for real, and she appeared, it was that sliding down a slippery slope feeling that came up, and I went, 'oh, no, not another one!', especially as she leaned towards angry me [what was she doing in the car to begin with?] and I felt all my arguments slide away.
I literally fell for her.
And that made me MAD.
So much so that I thundered out for someone who would have her hair but Michelle's 'size'. Why I used 'size' I have no idea, because the lady who showed up had nothing that could be called either Michelle's or Michelle's friend's, except maybe the way her hair also fell around her face in cascades. Hers was white, and the other's silver.
And she was a person in her own right. But neither her nor the friend of Michelle, [whose BROTHER, not husband, was the one who had a run-in with me...does anyone see the parallels?] were the ones to make me go...hey!
It was first the Dutch girl, and the warm feel she exuded as she not only listened but heard what I was saying. And showed it.
And I said, fuck that and your beautiful hair, you have a boyfriend!
Till I found out the truth.
And said, OK, God You are not crazy, but THIS is all twisted.
Some argument, hey?
Then there are the three brunettes, whom I rejected in succesion till the last one was shown me, with her sad smile, in a vision some days before she showed up, and curiously, JUST after I had said to Him, "Duh, I am NOT making any sense out of this! HELP!!!"
And the first had had a boy and a man with her, just like the first woman to focus on me.
Well, THESE MUST be the ten. I am done!
Till I grasped WHY this was all happening.
And was STUNNED.
And looked to God in a new light.
And was terrified.
OK, then, not terrified, because I am incapable of fear...whether that is fortunate or not, I can not tell, but well, it means I was at the very least...knocked down.
I never knew, of course, how big an impact the married woman made on me, by being, aside from my sisters [weird, because I have never had my sisters mention it before,although they, knowing sibling rivalry, ought to have] the only female to never be repulsed by my sight, as I grew up that is.
Oh, hell, I KNOW I am ugly, and that the sight of me makes virtually everyone crack jokes about baboons and such, so, of course, when this woman stared, and liked staring, I was ready to paint her in the whitest light possible, and never even made the connection that the man who always seemed to walk far infront of her [as though ashamed] could be anything but a brother forced to look after a disgraced sister's mistakes. Because there was a sort of resemblance between man and wife...or maybe it couold be that Ndebele people have the same sort of 'strange hardness' of face to a Shona boy with a low interest in life.
But realising that I have never gotten over the woman [though the man died shortly after; I suspect The Holy Spirit, it has all the trademarks of his making-ends-meet approach to humbling any man] made me aware of how I have approached any woman who has even the least bit of connection to that part of my past.
Like how I brushed off the girl from Gelncairn Heights on sight because she could have been a 'negative', or is it a positive, of the woman.
And she felt it, and must have wondered why I was so ANGRY at her.
I felt so angry when I found out the truth about the woman I clamped down, emotionally, and never opened up, ever since.
Then, to rub it in, on the same day, ANOTHER reminder in the form of another 'image' of an 'image' of the woman, the lady at Fish Hoek Library.
Then me diverting it all by calling for a woman with a different ass, only for a girl with [God knows how to probe wounds, hey?] a cleft chin [my mother's 'friend' didnt have one but the closeness was unnerving].
And all three had the same 'set' of hair, and, once they had burned into my mind the distinction between themselves and the source of my major mistrust of people outside of my family, I was able to review them objectively...reluctantly... as being quite beautiful and probably NOT like the two timing woman.
VERY reluctantly.
Then comes the woman who also looked at me, the lady with the sad face and the sea blue eyes. Like she expected me to say something, and was waiting for me to spring her out of her tower.
And she is married. How is that for irony?
So, I was more than glad to see one who did NOT really look at me directly, but smiled so... sweetly that, for fear of seeming at a loss for words, my heart melted. That is all I can say. I realised I have an appreciation for her,simply because she smiled in a way I can not describe.
And, in case you do not know, I am a cynic. A pessimist.
THEN, it gets murky, because now, I am not going by what I saw, but the 'help' that God provided when He promised that, in removing The Holy Spirit out of all flesh, he would leave visions for the young men, dreams for the old men [nothing for the women except they would speak glorious things about God (prophesy)], and THAT is what has me all... in a knot.
Because WAY before my trouble with Michelle, when I still wondered what The Trinity was up to sending mixed signals, I had these things that have made me stay focused on God.
And there were about 6 visios of ONE person...and I remember explaining the reasoning of God to Michelle once; that He would send these things to the man so that he would not get fed up with women and judge them accoring to mere circumstancial eveidence.
And NO ONE qualifies more for that category than Michelle's friend, because I gave up, this morning, reasoning that The Holy Spirit knew what she looks like so he would tell me that so I could be hooked onto her.
The point is, why would he? It serves him no purpose, because the woman is beautiful, and when, after being fed up with bombardments, I said, OK, show me this woman for real, and she appeared, it was that sliding down a slippery slope feeling that came up, and I went, 'oh, no, not another one!', especially as she leaned towards angry me [what was she doing in the car to begin with?] and I felt all my arguments slide away.
I literally fell for her.
And that made me MAD.
So much so that I thundered out for someone who would have her hair but Michelle's 'size'. Why I used 'size' I have no idea, because the lady who showed up had nothing that could be called either Michelle's or Michelle's friend's, except maybe the way her hair also fell around her face in cascades. Hers was white, and the other's silver.
And she was a person in her own right. But neither her nor the friend of Michelle, [whose BROTHER, not husband, was the one who had a run-in with me...does anyone see the parallels?] were the ones to make me go...hey!
It was first the Dutch girl, and the warm feel she exuded as she not only listened but heard what I was saying. And showed it.
And I said, fuck that and your beautiful hair, you have a boyfriend!
Till I found out the truth.
And said, OK, God You are not crazy, but THIS is all twisted.
Some argument, hey?
Then there are the three brunettes, whom I rejected in succesion till the last one was shown me, with her sad smile, in a vision some days before she showed up, and curiously, JUST after I had said to Him, "Duh, I am NOT making any sense out of this! HELP!!!"
And the first had had a boy and a man with her, just like the first woman to focus on me.
Well, THESE MUST be the ten. I am done!
