This is a plunge into the darkest moments of my own turbulous drive to make SENSE of the impossibility I found myself in after God stepped into my life, and said absolutely NOTHING, at first.
I will NOT take it as it happened, but rather as things started making sense to me.
Like after I had intuited that God, showing the girl I had decided would be my girlfriend...way after it should have been IMPOSSIBLE to even THINK of it, had decided to put a ...shall we say... STOP to it?
And I took her, literally by force. And based the relationship, weirdly enough, on "God says...", and despised her for falling for my rubbish.
And beat her.
When I was not beating her or her kid, I was screwing her.
Even during those times when I should not, strictly speaking, have been doing it.
And I hated myself, and her, and wondered why she did not leave. She did, and I took her back by use of flowery words, and wondered that she could be so stupid, and wondered why God was just sitting by letting this happen; I mean, did He not CARE what happened to people?
Then one day, during her periods, I was just sickened by the sight of blood that I told her I would not bother her that night.
And the funny thing was, that night, as if all that had gone before did not matter, I got what I can only describe as a concentrated 'drop' of God's pleasure, right into my heart. Like someone had speared me right there, without me even suspecting that such a thing could happen.
He said absolutely nothing, and yet, that act spoke volumes. So much so that I wondered WHY.
And, of course, the answer, I told myself, was the statement in Ezekiel, where God said something about a person who would live would not, among other things, "...approach a woman during her monthly periods".
So, I said to myself, God seems to be ignoring the REAL problem, that I should NOT even be HAVING a girlfriend, or even sex, and He is looking at THIS. Very well, I said, I will play along. This should be fun. So, I went to church, and even did a three-day and three-night fast. Which took six days, because I wanted to have three nights of sex, and three days of sex in between, so I did the three days, screwed her at night, then the three nights, with sex during the day.
And God showed me a vision, which I only REALLY grasped AFTER we broke up with the girl.
Right during my waking moments, with my eyes wide open.
Of a person remarkably like me, except for the eyes, and translucent skin [the eyes had no pupils, but were like twin ice sheets, opaque] and the person had a hand on the door of the room we were renting, as if to walk out, but his head was turned back into the room, as if to check to see if anyone saw that he was about to leave.
Right after that the scene showed a dragon fly, also translucent, like a cloud, hovering on one edge of the church to which the girl belonged, and the thing had only ONE set of wings, and it too had its body unnatturally curled back, as if it was reluctant to depart,but had its wings spread.
Conclusion?: -Easy, I thought, God [convinced He merely wanted to use me] was telling me to tell the people that The Holy Spirit was departing from Africa. [the things we do when we do not want to face the truth!]
So, I wrote a letter to the pastor of the church, and blithely ignored the fact that the person who looked remarkably like me could in fact have been God telling me that was ME.
That very night, I got another vision,this one of my mother's first born, with a weird hairdo: he had a woman's hair, black, set [as women do in curlers], and I was there with him, and had tried to turn his shoulders, but he turned away from the hand I had used, and walked on in a sort of contour ploughed/dug directly before him.
The scene shifted to me, and I saw myself with siver hair, worn loose and long, what is known as relaxed, and underneath all that was a statement, " he is more righteous than you", and I understood THAT, easy.
Since my half-brother is called Timothy, [God-fearing], God was telling me that the pastor was 'set in his ways, and thoughts' [the rut and the head], but I was easy-going and unfocused in THOUGHTS...although, because it was silver, I ... SUPPOSE... that He was saying that my thoughts were MORE precious than the guy's... to Him, which is why He was busy with me. Although at that moment, the pastor was a better choice as a God-fearing specimen than me.
All this was not immediately apparent to me, because I was unhappy. WHY had He then sent me that earlier vision, of the guy like me who saw with those grey eyes?
Only after we broke up with the girl did I agree that the guy was me, and God was saying that what I saw was, to Him, as precious as silver is to people, and that He had waited for me to see with my own eyes that I did not want the girl but was only in it because I could not SEE how I could ever get close to anyone in my whole life.
Because, the truth is, I was lonely, and did not want to waste even the crumbs that came my way, since I KNEW just how difficult it was for me to even share the same space with anyone else.
Which is why, over the intervening years, when, after the whole debacle had ended so humiliatingly, with the girl being instantly impregnated by some other guy, to my half-brother's merriment, the moment it was over between us, and the cretin had the gall [I mean, the girl] to, as soon as she found out I was involved with someone else [that would be Michelle] and five years later, she actually sent me a message to the effect that SHE felt she could now move on, without bitterness, because she thought she had destroyed my life, and could I please listen to my mother and NOT take a woman with child?
She almost swung me in Michelle's favour; till I realised the other thing:
I am totally incapable of focusing on people, on any one person. No woman could stand that, or man either.
I am too intense, too interested in getting the whole picture, too wrapped up in what God is thinking to ever be able to pay attention to anyone.
just look at my life: When has anyone meant so much to me, even in my recountings, that I was sawyed from my God-view?
I will NOT take it as it happened, but rather as things started making sense to me.
Like after I had intuited that God, showing the girl I had decided would be my girlfriend...way after it should have been IMPOSSIBLE to even THINK of it, had decided to put a ...shall we say... STOP to it?
And I took her, literally by force. And based the relationship, weirdly enough, on "God says...", and despised her for falling for my rubbish.
And beat her.
When I was not beating her or her kid, I was screwing her.
Even during those times when I should not, strictly speaking, have been doing it.
And I hated myself, and her, and wondered why she did not leave. She did, and I took her back by use of flowery words, and wondered that she could be so stupid, and wondered why God was just sitting by letting this happen; I mean, did He not CARE what happened to people?
Then one day, during her periods, I was just sickened by the sight of blood that I told her I would not bother her that night.
And the funny thing was, that night, as if all that had gone before did not matter, I got what I can only describe as a concentrated 'drop' of God's pleasure, right into my heart. Like someone had speared me right there, without me even suspecting that such a thing could happen.
He said absolutely nothing, and yet, that act spoke volumes. So much so that I wondered WHY.
And, of course, the answer, I told myself, was the statement in Ezekiel, where God said something about a person who would live would not, among other things, "...approach a woman during her monthly periods".
So, I said to myself, God seems to be ignoring the REAL problem, that I should NOT even be HAVING a girlfriend, or even sex, and He is looking at THIS. Very well, I said, I will play along. This should be fun. So, I went to church, and even did a three-day and three-night fast. Which took six days, because I wanted to have three nights of sex, and three days of sex in between, so I did the three days, screwed her at night, then the three nights, with sex during the day.
And God showed me a vision, which I only REALLY grasped AFTER we broke up with the girl.
Right during my waking moments, with my eyes wide open.
Of a person remarkably like me, except for the eyes, and translucent skin [the eyes had no pupils, but were like twin ice sheets, opaque] and the person had a hand on the door of the room we were renting, as if to walk out, but his head was turned back into the room, as if to check to see if anyone saw that he was about to leave.
Right after that the scene showed a dragon fly, also translucent, like a cloud, hovering on one edge of the church to which the girl belonged, and the thing had only ONE set of wings, and it too had its body unnatturally curled back, as if it was reluctant to depart,but had its wings spread.
Conclusion?: -Easy, I thought, God [convinced He merely wanted to use me] was telling me to tell the people that The Holy Spirit was departing from Africa. [the things we do when we do not want to face the truth!]
So, I wrote a letter to the pastor of the church, and blithely ignored the fact that the person who looked remarkably like me could in fact have been God telling me that was ME.
That very night, I got another vision,this one of my mother's first born, with a weird hairdo: he had a woman's hair, black, set [as women do in curlers], and I was there with him, and had tried to turn his shoulders, but he turned away from the hand I had used, and walked on in a sort of contour ploughed/dug directly before him.
The scene shifted to me, and I saw myself with siver hair, worn loose and long, what is known as relaxed, and underneath all that was a statement, " he is more righteous than you", and I understood THAT, easy.
Since my half-brother is called Timothy, [God-fearing], God was telling me that the pastor was 'set in his ways, and thoughts' [the rut and the head], but I was easy-going and unfocused in THOUGHTS...although, because it was silver, I ... SUPPOSE... that He was saying that my thoughts were MORE precious than the guy's... to Him, which is why He was busy with me. Although at that moment, the pastor was a better choice as a God-fearing specimen than me.
All this was not immediately apparent to me, because I was unhappy. WHY had He then sent me that earlier vision, of the guy like me who saw with those grey eyes?
Only after we broke up with the girl did I agree that the guy was me, and God was saying that what I saw was, to Him, as precious as silver is to people, and that He had waited for me to see with my own eyes that I did not want the girl but was only in it because I could not SEE how I could ever get close to anyone in my whole life.
Because, the truth is, I was lonely, and did not want to waste even the crumbs that came my way, since I KNEW just how difficult it was for me to even share the same space with anyone else.
Which is why, over the intervening years, when, after the whole debacle had ended so humiliatingly, with the girl being instantly impregnated by some other guy, to my half-brother's merriment, the moment it was over between us, and the cretin had the gall [I mean, the girl] to, as soon as she found out I was involved with someone else [that would be Michelle] and five years later, she actually sent me a message to the effect that SHE felt she could now move on, without bitterness, because she thought she had destroyed my life, and could I please listen to my mother and NOT take a woman with child?
She almost swung me in Michelle's favour; till I realised the other thing:
I am totally incapable of focusing on people, on any one person. No woman could stand that, or man either.
I am too intense, too interested in getting the whole picture, too wrapped up in what God is thinking to ever be able to pay attention to anyone.
just look at my life: When has anyone meant so much to me, even in my recountings, that I was sawyed from my God-view?
