I had all the answers except for explaining "in the year king Uzziah died" when it came to God showing me the vision about
"My yoke is easy and My burden is light...
and my yoke is as academic to the fish [Isaiah 6:1-13]"because there was something missing.
I have been focusing on people, but I forgot the circumstances that led up to that vision:
God had shown His involvement when I refused to mend bridges with my mom, but I took the vision to the girl as a personal slight, and decided to overrule God and take the girl by force, even though I did not want her.
The action led to my years of frustration. Or rather, the thing that had been bubbling under became very evident.
First, in a rage I complained that God had foistered this girl on me, and He instead replied that the ONLY reason that I had taken the girl was because I was jealous of her son getting her attention while she was involved with me, and then He gave me the statement above.
And till last night, I had no clear idea just what marked me as different from everyone else.
In the year that king Uzziah died
Uzziah was a king who got leprosy and was cast into a private home, stripped of power while his son became a sort of regent ruler, because he decided to offer an unclean sacrifice to God...and He was not amused.
What that has to do with me is this:
And the weird thing is part of Psalm 73:
"Who do I have in heaven but You?
and there is nothing I desire on earth except You".
Before God made Himself known to Me, I was a dead, hopeless man with his eyes open. There was nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for, because everything was so geared that I could not find refuge, nor hope, nor a future, nor anything.
The cards were not only stacked against me, the dice were not only loaded against me, but my own heart could not even sustain me. I felt like I was in a container whose walls were steadily converging, inexorably moving to crush me. And there was no way out.
Till God came, and gave me His heart, and I lived in Him, and He LITERALLY became my life, my breath [which is why He said, I have given you a companion, my own soul] because I am alive NOW because I have a piece of Him MAKING me live.
but I had, till recently, decided to do things my way, and yet, from the day I decided to not play the game, God has been drawing me closer and closer to Himself.
What led me from Him was a desire to establish something for myself, and by so doing, take a woman that I neither wanted nor needed, and try to make her my wife. I failed, because unlike everyone else, I do not have a NEED to be anything, I really find my rest in God, and I am content to just be IN Him. But I always assumed that that meant I could not have anything, because ideally it would also mean that, for me to be happy, I had to have women who were just happy to be around me, that were not ambitious and whose sole purpose would be to be with me in the same manner that I enjoyed exploring the things of God, marvelling at me as I marvelled at God.
So, when I turned my back on Michelle's offer to be her pet slave, I did not know it yet, but the one who was seperarte from God was being drawn back to Him, and from the date of September 18, God began to establish Himself more and more as my ONLY reason for my life.
I mean, I pushed away the things of Christ, The Holy Spirit, government leaders and other people... but was still not yet fully over the tugging of certain 'types' of woman.
I would see even a married woman, involved woman, controlling woman, and if she looked at me, and had those 'soulful eyes', I would go, "Oh-h!", and immediately want to take her under my wing...and THEN involve God.
I will be honest, the major reason why i was dithering was because I looked at the English-married girl, and when she looked at me as she did, even though I knew that, given six or seven months all my pity would have been exhausted and I would be blaming her...and God... for having had a sex life before me; even then, I wanted to keep her.
Then another, blue eyed woman with a 'clean' conscience, looked at me and smiled, and I knew that I would not have to be wistful over a female that had blue eyes because I had someone better.
So, since I said that I would be lording it over everyone...which is true... I would therefore like to point out that THE SOURCE of my being this 'unnatural' is that, unlike everyone else, I LIVE in God.
When I found that out last night, I said to My God, My Refuge, My Everything, My Life, My Soul...
Father, no more of me going my own way. I will listen to You now, and live as You made me...in You. I now take over dominion over all that breathes, walks creeps, flies, or is 'but dust' on the whole earth, and I will no longer seek to mix the 'clean' with the unclean, but will keep it real.
Well, not in such hip terms, but something to the effect that, as He has made me, so I will be, and thus, since 'obedience is better than sacrifice', and He DID say, "I will have steadfast love, not sacrifice", then I will no more seek shortcuts, but will keep it all steady.
So, yea, I am, today having my ten women come to me, because I was promised that something would happen that will have me think I am dreaming, that I would not believe my own eyes... .Well, OK, as long as My God is in full control, and I am in Him...let it roll!
"My yoke is easy and My burden is light...
and my yoke is as academic to the fish [Isaiah 6:1-13]"because there was something missing.
I have been focusing on people, but I forgot the circumstances that led up to that vision:
God had shown His involvement when I refused to mend bridges with my mom, but I took the vision to the girl as a personal slight, and decided to overrule God and take the girl by force, even though I did not want her.
The action led to my years of frustration. Or rather, the thing that had been bubbling under became very evident.
First, in a rage I complained that God had foistered this girl on me, and He instead replied that the ONLY reason that I had taken the girl was because I was jealous of her son getting her attention while she was involved with me, and then He gave me the statement above.
And till last night, I had no clear idea just what marked me as different from everyone else.
In the year that king Uzziah died
Uzziah was a king who got leprosy and was cast into a private home, stripped of power while his son became a sort of regent ruler, because he decided to offer an unclean sacrifice to God...and He was not amused.
What that has to do with me is this:
And the weird thing is part of Psalm 73:
"Who do I have in heaven but You?
and there is nothing I desire on earth except You".
Before God made Himself known to Me, I was a dead, hopeless man with his eyes open. There was nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for, because everything was so geared that I could not find refuge, nor hope, nor a future, nor anything.
The cards were not only stacked against me, the dice were not only loaded against me, but my own heart could not even sustain me. I felt like I was in a container whose walls were steadily converging, inexorably moving to crush me. And there was no way out.
Till God came, and gave me His heart, and I lived in Him, and He LITERALLY became my life, my breath [which is why He said, I have given you a companion, my own soul] because I am alive NOW because I have a piece of Him MAKING me live.
but I had, till recently, decided to do things my way, and yet, from the day I decided to not play the game, God has been drawing me closer and closer to Himself.
What led me from Him was a desire to establish something for myself, and by so doing, take a woman that I neither wanted nor needed, and try to make her my wife. I failed, because unlike everyone else, I do not have a NEED to be anything, I really find my rest in God, and I am content to just be IN Him. But I always assumed that that meant I could not have anything, because ideally it would also mean that, for me to be happy, I had to have women who were just happy to be around me, that were not ambitious and whose sole purpose would be to be with me in the same manner that I enjoyed exploring the things of God, marvelling at me as I marvelled at God.
So, when I turned my back on Michelle's offer to be her pet slave, I did not know it yet, but the one who was seperarte from God was being drawn back to Him, and from the date of September 18, God began to establish Himself more and more as my ONLY reason for my life.
I mean, I pushed away the things of Christ, The Holy Spirit, government leaders and other people... but was still not yet fully over the tugging of certain 'types' of woman.
I would see even a married woman, involved woman, controlling woman, and if she looked at me, and had those 'soulful eyes', I would go, "Oh-h!", and immediately want to take her under my wing...and THEN involve God.
I will be honest, the major reason why i was dithering was because I looked at the English-married girl, and when she looked at me as she did, even though I knew that, given six or seven months all my pity would have been exhausted and I would be blaming her...and God... for having had a sex life before me; even then, I wanted to keep her.
Then another, blue eyed woman with a 'clean' conscience, looked at me and smiled, and I knew that I would not have to be wistful over a female that had blue eyes because I had someone better.
So, since I said that I would be lording it over everyone...which is true... I would therefore like to point out that THE SOURCE of my being this 'unnatural' is that, unlike everyone else, I LIVE in God.
When I found that out last night, I said to My God, My Refuge, My Everything, My Life, My Soul...
Father, no more of me going my own way. I will listen to You now, and live as You made me...in You. I now take over dominion over all that breathes, walks creeps, flies, or is 'but dust' on the whole earth, and I will no longer seek to mix the 'clean' with the unclean, but will keep it real.
Well, not in such hip terms, but something to the effect that, as He has made me, so I will be, and thus, since 'obedience is better than sacrifice', and He DID say, "I will have steadfast love, not sacrifice", then I will no more seek shortcuts, but will keep it all steady.
So, yea, I am, today having my ten women come to me, because I was promised that something would happen that will have me think I am dreaming, that I would not believe my own eyes... .Well, OK, as long as My God is in full control, and I am in Him...let it roll!
