By now it must be fairly obvious that what motivates me...eh...first, is trying to figure out what God meant when He said certain things, publicly or privately.
People do get involved, yes, but they are usually peripheral, and I must admit, nothing I do has anything to do primarily WITH a person, but with God, and then, as I try to figure Him out, I get down to my own preferances...and THEN other people are impacted.
Or not then, but maybe before, like the case with my mother, and with Michelle.
Because, as I discovered a little while ago, the one thing I had not quite grasped was the fact that when God said He would NOT ever let me go, it meant He would never let me settle for anything where I would be torn in two as far as He was concerned, since my life is so wrapped up in Him I have no room for freewheeling on my own, in anything.
Which is why he pointed out I would never go back to see my mother again, and why, reluctantly, I have had to let even Michelle go from my life.
You see, I pitied her, and felt sorry for her for being in a bind, but the thing I overlooked was the fact that she is a grown woman who made her choice to get married, to have a child, and so, well, one makes one's own bed and lies on it. I wanted to solve her problems because I THOUGHT that was what God intended, but the mere fact that she did not spark any fires in me personally ought to have warned me that my "pity" would run out and sooner or later I would regret being involved with her.
The fact that, as much as many months before, God had seen fit to tell me, "September 18: Independence Day" ought to have warned me that He definitely did not intend to let me be hooked in by the same pity thing that had me feeling sorry for my mother even though she had tried to kill me.
The point, I suppose, is that He wanted me to realise that I was worth something to Him, so valuable that He would let no one cheapen me.
I remember once complaining to her about how it seemed some girls were wondering about my manhood since I was not showing interest in women, and after that I had groaned to God to get me out of this "prove yourself" bind I had been forced into and how He had responded in a vision, and how in that vision He hadsaid, "tell me what you want of Me", and I had said, "Ten million dollars; to build that thing!": the "thing" being a falt topped black machine that flew and had retractable bat-like wings, and reminded me so much of a rock called 'Noah's Ark' which is to be found near where Michelle stays.
As usual, I thought God meant that I should make a car...hence the "Project Automobile", but it was only like last night that I fully grasped that He was telling me that I can actually get my pick of ten "unmarried, childless" women and have these so that I can STOP looking bach every-time and wanting to mix pity with 'love'.
Let us face it; a woman who is married is already conditioned to think in terms of "housewife", and a mother never thinks of herself alone, but with the child included, so, I would have been miserable with someone who would have wanted me to be both substitute husband and surrogate father to her child...even in absentia.
I have outgrown that pity thing: I want women who will appeal to me and who have no "history" of being either mothers or married, because my wires get entangled when I stop focusing on God and start thinking about why the woman is saying one thing but her body language is saying something else. So, just to try out my "ten million dollars", I have come up with a list of ten women that I THINK, for now, would suit me, so that I can finally let go the past and get busy on "COUNT1NG NUMB3R5", and this list awaits God's ratification.
I must say I am unsure about the first one, because not only is she famous, and therefore probably used to that rarified atmosphere where she is the center of attention, but well, she is an actress, which means she is probably used to NOT being herself, so I am quite unsure, although honestly she does look quite good, though older than me, and unmarried... but then I will not know how I like it till I let it out:
1)Jennifer Love Hewitt
2) Jumana, A.K. She is a Jordanian girl who is the facebook "friend" of a former friend of mine, and the reason she made this list is that I saw her picture with the friend...and it is not what you think, I was not jealous, but I saw her face as one that had a lost look to it, and I knew that if the guy or anyone else got his claws on her, he would make her regret being born, so something kicked in.... OK, she looks depressed, same as J.L. Hewitt, but with an undertone of humour there that can make one weather rough storms...basically the kind of woman I would like having around when stones are flying, and when things are NOT so smooth.
3)The girl I met on the train last summer and then at the beach in Simonstown getting herself tanned. The one with the balck top and the blue panties.
4)The blonde girl from Glencairn Heights, the one I saw on the 25th of May, who caused me to do a double take?
5)The other blonde girl I saw the next day as she went to the driving and testing centre adjacent to the Fish Hoek library...the one with the cleft chin, in black, and with red lipstick.
6)The nurse at Victoria hospital, who fussed over me and remembered me, and whom I knew would run herself to the ground if she kept up trying to care for people who gave nothing back to her.
7)The other girl from that country who came to RSA and had a chat with me spoke of a book called, in English, "The loneliness of Primes", and whom I said had nice legs.
8)- 10) I really do not have a clue. But I will fill in the slots. What I do NOT want is anyone who will tell me what to do. Or stand in my way.
People do get involved, yes, but they are usually peripheral, and I must admit, nothing I do has anything to do primarily WITH a person, but with God, and then, as I try to figure Him out, I get down to my own preferances...and THEN other people are impacted.
Or not then, but maybe before, like the case with my mother, and with Michelle.
Because, as I discovered a little while ago, the one thing I had not quite grasped was the fact that when God said He would NOT ever let me go, it meant He would never let me settle for anything where I would be torn in two as far as He was concerned, since my life is so wrapped up in Him I have no room for freewheeling on my own, in anything.
Which is why he pointed out I would never go back to see my mother again, and why, reluctantly, I have had to let even Michelle go from my life.
You see, I pitied her, and felt sorry for her for being in a bind, but the thing I overlooked was the fact that she is a grown woman who made her choice to get married, to have a child, and so, well, one makes one's own bed and lies on it. I wanted to solve her problems because I THOUGHT that was what God intended, but the mere fact that she did not spark any fires in me personally ought to have warned me that my "pity" would run out and sooner or later I would regret being involved with her.
The fact that, as much as many months before, God had seen fit to tell me, "September 18: Independence Day" ought to have warned me that He definitely did not intend to let me be hooked in by the same pity thing that had me feeling sorry for my mother even though she had tried to kill me.
The point, I suppose, is that He wanted me to realise that I was worth something to Him, so valuable that He would let no one cheapen me.
I remember once complaining to her about how it seemed some girls were wondering about my manhood since I was not showing interest in women, and after that I had groaned to God to get me out of this "prove yourself" bind I had been forced into and how He had responded in a vision, and how in that vision He hadsaid, "tell me what you want of Me", and I had said, "Ten million dollars; to build that thing!": the "thing" being a falt topped black machine that flew and had retractable bat-like wings, and reminded me so much of a rock called 'Noah's Ark' which is to be found near where Michelle stays.
As usual, I thought God meant that I should make a car...hence the "Project Automobile", but it was only like last night that I fully grasped that He was telling me that I can actually get my pick of ten "unmarried, childless" women and have these so that I can STOP looking bach every-time and wanting to mix pity with 'love'.
Let us face it; a woman who is married is already conditioned to think in terms of "housewife", and a mother never thinks of herself alone, but with the child included, so, I would have been miserable with someone who would have wanted me to be both substitute husband and surrogate father to her child...even in absentia.
I have outgrown that pity thing: I want women who will appeal to me and who have no "history" of being either mothers or married, because my wires get entangled when I stop focusing on God and start thinking about why the woman is saying one thing but her body language is saying something else. So, just to try out my "ten million dollars", I have come up with a list of ten women that I THINK, for now, would suit me, so that I can finally let go the past and get busy on "COUNT1NG NUMB3R5", and this list awaits God's ratification.
I must say I am unsure about the first one, because not only is she famous, and therefore probably used to that rarified atmosphere where she is the center of attention, but well, she is an actress, which means she is probably used to NOT being herself, so I am quite unsure, although honestly she does look quite good, though older than me, and unmarried... but then I will not know how I like it till I let it out:
1)Jennifer Love Hewitt
2) Jumana, A.K. She is a Jordanian girl who is the facebook "friend" of a former friend of mine, and the reason she made this list is that I saw her picture with the friend...and it is not what you think, I was not jealous, but I saw her face as one that had a lost look to it, and I knew that if the guy or anyone else got his claws on her, he would make her regret being born, so something kicked in.... OK, she looks depressed, same as J.L. Hewitt, but with an undertone of humour there that can make one weather rough storms...basically the kind of woman I would like having around when stones are flying, and when things are NOT so smooth.
3)The girl I met on the train last summer and then at the beach in Simonstown getting herself tanned. The one with the balck top and the blue panties.
4)The blonde girl from Glencairn Heights, the one I saw on the 25th of May, who caused me to do a double take?
5)The other blonde girl I saw the next day as she went to the driving and testing centre adjacent to the Fish Hoek library...the one with the cleft chin, in black, and with red lipstick.
6)The nurse at Victoria hospital, who fussed over me and remembered me, and whom I knew would run herself to the ground if she kept up trying to care for people who gave nothing back to her.
7)The other girl from that country who came to RSA and had a chat with me spoke of a book called, in English, "The loneliness of Primes", and whom I said had nice legs.
8)- 10) I really do not have a clue. But I will fill in the slots. What I do NOT want is anyone who will tell me what to do. Or stand in my way.
