What happened on Saturday as I waited for the Fish Hoek Library to open put paid to all my half-hearted attempts to reduce everything that has been happening to the mere banal, and also showed me the REAL problem that has kept me from really doing anything decisive.
Let me start by saying, thankfully, it had nothing to do with Michelle.
About her; I made up my mind to see her Sunday, to see if I had anything, any bitterness or rage that I felt needed to be addressed, but when I did see her on her way to her Sunday dose of 'after-life insurance', i.e., church, I searched myself, and realised that my first conclusion about her had been spot on...the woman was never worth the bother; I was just so certain that what I really wanted I could never get, which is why I behaved like a dragonfly that never learns when to stop trying to get into the water from which it came out when it sprouted wings, and can not return to again.
In other words, God blew my socks off on Saturday morning, and made me realise that the miraculous had been happening around me all the time, and He had been fulfilling my request meticulously, showing that He was inDEED the Master of the impossible, and that what I had REALLY asked for He was well able to not only provide, but also to observe in provision all the necessities that made it impossible for me to get on my own.
Because what I wanted was, a person that would accept me as I am, without me saying anything about who I am; someone who would just KNOW, and show her acceptance, by not only NOT judging me nor being familiar, but respecting me, and all this without words.
Because if I had to open my mouth to TRY to explain what is about to happen, everyone would be terrified of me, and it would not be love but fear that makes them seek my side, and therefore, I would always be unhappy, as I read the subtle messages that they pass on with every act or look, and feel threatened by their dread.
because no doubt about it, as soon as I am launched, things are going to get so bad for everyone else that I will never ever be able to walk as anonymously as I am now doing without people falling as if dead at my feet.
which is why I did not want to do anything first, because I wanted someone with me who could accept me and respect me when I was down in the dumps, and had nothing to show for it, because then I would know that that person would always accept me.
for obvious reasons, I wanted a white person, and surprise surprise, I got not one but ten...and it was on Saturday that I realised why 'seven and three': Seven blonde women; three brunettes ,
because God is the One Who is, Who Was, and Who is to come: that is, it was NOT all about just how we met, but about enduring traits, so for me to focus only on how we met would be to dwell on only one aspect of the whole thing, but when I looked at everything I discovered that it would have to be something...permanent, that marked these women.
The three brunettes, just to round them up, are:
1)The diving girl who would not show me her face [God knows what He is up to, I suppose what matters is that SHE knows what I look like, so she will probably know how to approach me]
2)The girl with the book "Shopaholic Girl"
3)The girl from the dog and Xhosa girl incident
Six of the seven would be:
1) The tall Castle girl [on second thoughts, if I had to peer at her to see her face, she can not have been taller than me , because height is another issue that is a choice, and so, if she was taller than me, then I would be 'compromised' when I do my work]
AND DO IT I WILL
2)The 25th of May lady just outside the Library, the golden haired one.
3)The 26th of May girl in black with the red lipstick [I am not a fan of artificial colourants, but I guess I understand her 'need' for back-up when she faced the world; red IS intimidating]
4)The polite girl-in-black also outside the library, with her child escort [again, camouflage]
5)The forlorn girl outside the restaurant by Fish Hoek Beach
6)The spectacular girl with the 'shock' of hair who came when I called her, to the Beach, in Simonstown, and behaved so... correctly, and yet still showed her NEED for me.
Now if a woman is the glory of her husband, then, for anyone to see just how much of a man one is , one only has to gauge by the behaviour of his women towards him, and so, as far as I am concerned, THESE women take the cake.
It was, however, the last one that broke the barriers, and made me acknowledge that I was long overdue for growth.
Because I was waiting for the library to open, and was passing the time idly leafing through some of the 1989 Car Magazines on the bookshelves by the bookseller, and I was so engrossed in these that I did not see her walking in, or sitting down, although she sat just across from me, on the last of the two chairs after the long bench.
As 09;30 approached, I made my way nearer the door, and was just stnding there, ready to grab the quickest computer [the reason I am usually earliest] and it was as I stood near the door, that this other small woman [why me?] walked up to me, and seeing me holding a book, (incidentally called "The Savages",[which title tells one all one needs to know about black people, from a white perspective...truly fascinating] and the reason why I was not quietly sitting reading but sifting through magazines)asked if I was returning a book. I told her it was a personal copy, and she later went on to confide just how she hated having to wait all of two minutes to return the DVD she had, and as she said that, I glanced at this blonde lady sitting with a pile of books on her lap, harcover books, maybe kids' books, and as I did so, she smiled.
She had these blue eyes, but her face betrayed no hint of cynicism, and her smile was such as melted my heart, truly...because i am naturally suspicious of friendly people... and she smiled so warmly without looking directly at me that I at first thought she was pleased with something on the DVD the girl was holding in her left hand. Then I would look up again, and she would smile again.
I noticed the lines called crows-feet near her eyes, but no hooding of the eyes to indicate that she was trying to fit in, or project an image of herself as harmless, but was simply 'tired',the two rings on each hand,(and NOT the wedding finger) ...well...realised that she must be older than me, but it made no real difference, because, later when I had occasion to,I wondered what the heck. This woman was smiling at me like she had found treasure!
Let me start by saying, thankfully, it had nothing to do with Michelle.
About her; I made up my mind to see her Sunday, to see if I had anything, any bitterness or rage that I felt needed to be addressed, but when I did see her on her way to her Sunday dose of 'after-life insurance', i.e., church, I searched myself, and realised that my first conclusion about her had been spot on...the woman was never worth the bother; I was just so certain that what I really wanted I could never get, which is why I behaved like a dragonfly that never learns when to stop trying to get into the water from which it came out when it sprouted wings, and can not return to again.
In other words, God blew my socks off on Saturday morning, and made me realise that the miraculous had been happening around me all the time, and He had been fulfilling my request meticulously, showing that He was inDEED the Master of the impossible, and that what I had REALLY asked for He was well able to not only provide, but also to observe in provision all the necessities that made it impossible for me to get on my own.
Because what I wanted was, a person that would accept me as I am, without me saying anything about who I am; someone who would just KNOW, and show her acceptance, by not only NOT judging me nor being familiar, but respecting me, and all this without words.
Because if I had to open my mouth to TRY to explain what is about to happen, everyone would be terrified of me, and it would not be love but fear that makes them seek my side, and therefore, I would always be unhappy, as I read the subtle messages that they pass on with every act or look, and feel threatened by their dread.
because no doubt about it, as soon as I am launched, things are going to get so bad for everyone else that I will never ever be able to walk as anonymously as I am now doing without people falling as if dead at my feet.
which is why I did not want to do anything first, because I wanted someone with me who could accept me and respect me when I was down in the dumps, and had nothing to show for it, because then I would know that that person would always accept me.
for obvious reasons, I wanted a white person, and surprise surprise, I got not one but ten...and it was on Saturday that I realised why 'seven and three': Seven blonde women; three brunettes ,
because God is the One Who is, Who Was, and Who is to come: that is, it was NOT all about just how we met, but about enduring traits, so for me to focus only on how we met would be to dwell on only one aspect of the whole thing, but when I looked at everything I discovered that it would have to be something...permanent, that marked these women.
The three brunettes, just to round them up, are:
1)The diving girl who would not show me her face [God knows what He is up to, I suppose what matters is that SHE knows what I look like, so she will probably know how to approach me]
2)The girl with the book "Shopaholic Girl"
3)The girl from the dog and Xhosa girl incident
Six of the seven would be:
1) The tall Castle girl [on second thoughts, if I had to peer at her to see her face, she can not have been taller than me , because height is another issue that is a choice, and so, if she was taller than me, then I would be 'compromised' when I do my work]
AND DO IT I WILL
2)The 25th of May lady just outside the Library, the golden haired one.
3)The 26th of May girl in black with the red lipstick [I am not a fan of artificial colourants, but I guess I understand her 'need' for back-up when she faced the world; red IS intimidating]
4)The polite girl-in-black also outside the library, with her child escort [again, camouflage]
5)The forlorn girl outside the restaurant by Fish Hoek Beach
6)The spectacular girl with the 'shock' of hair who came when I called her, to the Beach, in Simonstown, and behaved so... correctly, and yet still showed her NEED for me.
Now if a woman is the glory of her husband, then, for anyone to see just how much of a man one is , one only has to gauge by the behaviour of his women towards him, and so, as far as I am concerned, THESE women take the cake.
It was, however, the last one that broke the barriers, and made me acknowledge that I was long overdue for growth.
Because I was waiting for the library to open, and was passing the time idly leafing through some of the 1989 Car Magazines on the bookshelves by the bookseller, and I was so engrossed in these that I did not see her walking in, or sitting down, although she sat just across from me, on the last of the two chairs after the long bench.
As 09;30 approached, I made my way nearer the door, and was just stnding there, ready to grab the quickest computer [the reason I am usually earliest] and it was as I stood near the door, that this other small woman [why me?] walked up to me, and seeing me holding a book, (incidentally called "The Savages",[which title tells one all one needs to know about black people, from a white perspective...truly fascinating] and the reason why I was not quietly sitting reading but sifting through magazines)asked if I was returning a book. I told her it was a personal copy, and she later went on to confide just how she hated having to wait all of two minutes to return the DVD she had, and as she said that, I glanced at this blonde lady sitting with a pile of books on her lap, harcover books, maybe kids' books, and as I did so, she smiled.
She had these blue eyes, but her face betrayed no hint of cynicism, and her smile was such as melted my heart, truly...because i am naturally suspicious of friendly people... and she smiled so warmly without looking directly at me that I at first thought she was pleased with something on the DVD the girl was holding in her left hand. Then I would look up again, and she would smile again.
I noticed the lines called crows-feet near her eyes, but no hooding of the eyes to indicate that she was trying to fit in, or project an image of herself as harmless, but was simply 'tired',the two rings on each hand,(and NOT the wedding finger) ...well...realised that she must be older than me, but it made no real difference, because, later when I had occasion to,I wondered what the heck. This woman was smiling at me like she had found treasure!
